12th December 2006 Swanwick Shore

So good no one wrote about it

5th December 2006 Beaulieu Road Stn

A short tale for a short ride.

After torrential rain all day the weather cleared for the evening ride and seven assembled - VD, DF, St Pat, Matron, Skinny, Bertie and Scampi . DF sensibly opted for a road weighted route which headed north before picking up gravel tracks, all 100% rideable, ending up at Furzey Lane and Hatchet Pond. There was some disappointment that the Buckler's Hard River ride was deemed out of order, although the pratfalls managed last time round by many in much better conditions, including YT and St PAt, probably meant this was the wise choice.

Back to Beaulieu on road, passing Simon Knott's house (thatched cottage near the Buckler's Hard turn), lately added to the list in the hope that he will be a rider rather than a lurker . Regulars will want to note that I have established a new staging post in the Forest where hospitality of the Duke of Welly variety will be available to all, freely given to all 2 wheeled weary travellers, services available including impromptu free bike hire, warming hands on the oil fired stove and refreshment by negotiation. He is also a personal friend of Lord Monty.

Through Beaulieu and we entered Pigbush City Limits for the only spot of single track, followed by a stretch across the heath and a nice gullied track down to the road and back to the pub, surprisingly clean and dry. Sporting challenge was the order of the night and 2 Pool teams - Warwick Martel and Skinny Bertie (something of a misnomer) - took on one Fool Team - Matron with VD. Scampi was referee, but the lacklustre contests failed to hold his imagination and he sloped off.

We then bid adieu to DF, who leaves for a month in the land of Bin and Jiff, a land of milk and honey where free telephone calls grow on trees.

28th November 2006 Dog & Crook Braishfield

As they say a week is along time in cycling…..

Only the seven samurai turned out for last week’s frolic from Braishfield, a great fast and furious bash around some of the old haunts and some new bits of track sniffed out by a freshly kitted St Pat with a flowing drive train, well mostly flowing until a moment of suspension when the whole kit jammed….

Apart from that it was a ride without incident after which DD and Granddad joined us for a beer and then we all went home….Subsequently Friday came around and allegedly the legendary PPCC Xmas lunch was due to take place on an Island somewhere south of the UK mainland….

A little ELF (I am reliably informed this stands for Evil Little F**ker, see attached image) who has a voice like Mobly, whispered in my ear that a very good time was had by all, to safeguard against any impending criminal prosecutions I will not go into any details…..I suggest the day is relived by stories to help us all ‘fill in the gaps’ at tomorrow’s ride…

21st November 2006 Royal Oak Fritham

Despite a marked deterioration in the weather, twelve hardy souls assembled, undaunted by wind and rain, to be led across the Forest by Da Fuhrer for an evening of brisk exercise before retiring to the pub. An excellent turn-out from the East included The Duke, James (getting quicker by the week) and even Helmutt venturing west of the M3 without The Cove turning into a pumpkin.

Despite several referrals to the map and contributions to the directions from both locals (DD and Bertie) and non-locals (Carla), the crew were soon set adrift and heading away from the intended destination of Godshill. Following some hasty re-assessment of our whereabouts, a mix of tracks and mud saw us heading back in the initially intended direction on a brisk but relatively uneventful 15 mile, which disproved the theory that the Forest was flat.

The lack of Rob’s presence reduced mechanical failures to zero, and even DD and Patrick managed to stay upright….YT enjoyed an excellent evening playing with the adjustments on the new birthday present, despite taunts by VD that the adjustment required would be on the ‘Ten Years Younger’ button. On the last long climb, this button was discovered; but sadly most of the ten years gained were lost waiting for VD to catch up following a mistimed attack at the bottom of the hill.

Following abandonment of some very wet and muddy clothes, the assembled crew plus Steve (extending his drinking only winter fitness regime) retired to sit in front of the inviting fire in the Royal Oak to consume a good selection of snacks, wine, lager and sufficient choices to keep the real ale buffs happy. Purely speculative and unsubstantiated questions were asked about the disappearance of Da Fuhrer and Bertie (apparently changing together the car park), not arriving until everybody else was at least ten minutes into their first drink. In time honoured tradition, Da Fuhrer was voted MoTR for his RM skills, despite being lost in the first five miles; and a lively debate on a suitable locality for next week’s event ensued.

14th November 2006 Southwick-on-Sea

With Carla resplendent with the tiller firmly in his grasp we knew we were in for an unforgettable ride…………yes it’s coming back to YT now………Southwick – a bl**dy long way from anywhere and in the sunshine a very quaint thatched village that had some place in history to do with the D-Day landings………also a couple of pubs both named after Lions of different hues……confusing for those afflicted with ‘Pub colour-blindness’!

Still ten stalwarts made it to the start point, some even on time and with Chappers hors de combat with a nastily ‘bruised’ arm and a knackered bike (no change there then) we set off at about 6.45. .And instantly into a nice climb up the back of Portchester Hill, at the top, wheat well and truly sorted from chaff!! Talking of which nice to see the Hoff out for his second ride of the season and even better news that he will now be joining the crew of the Black Pig on our trip over to IoW for Christmas lunch.

From the top of Portchester Hill we played the local game of ‘Pompey Chicken’ taking our very lives in our hands dicing with all kinds of Chavved up Novas before literally leaping into the unknown onto the south facing slope of P Hill and then crossing the M27 on narrow footbridge made out of lianas and balsawood – nice!

With a fast section of urban terrorist training in Coshrut our esteemed RM then took us onto the coastal path where the onshore breeze prevented most of the potential offs into the briny, I say most, as young Scampers took quite a tumble, fortunately he landed on the high water line and was cushioned by all of the rubbish lobbed into the Solent by the local caring community….

Shortly thereafter having taken in some stunning views of the Spinnaker Tower even Bertie succumbed to the dodgy terrain and managed a wheel plant in an interesting ‘hole’….some more coastal route bashing took place with brief excursions into local beauty spots including “Doggers Drive” and “Leg-over Lane” (those Chavs get everywhere…) before cruising up Fareham Creek and emerging on the Cams Hall (“KEEP OFF THE GRASS” Estate. A sprint around the A27 roundabout and then a change of inner tube for Berters before the real ‘fun’ began and Carla took us ‘off-road’ and then through Fareham Industrial Park and again over the M27 on another ‘swing’ bridge. A quick pelt up towards Wickham before a cross-field hack and the final leg back t’pub on the road, almost into Southwick and the Duke threw a shoe and limped back until St Bert turned up with the meat wagon!

In the pub a mellow time was enjoyed by all apart from the Duke who was upset to see that his ‘Cheesy Chips’ were coated in some kind of melted salty dairy by-product known by our friends across the Channel as ‘Fromage’ (as rumour has it there is a Northern town which has the Duke’s true name inadvertently concealed within it’s spelling – that town is Scunthorpe (see if you can guess his real name (no prizes but suggestions on the back of a postcard please).

For his daring do’s Scampi once again kept the cold off his pate with the fez having wrestled it form Bertie’s clutches in a battle of Slap co*k!!

7th November 2006 Bell Inn Alresford

Now how glad am I that I waited to put digit to keyboard before writing this note on last weeks ride for despite the story of the saga of the ride the two titbits I have been told this morning are worthy of special mention before the main body of Velodrama….

1. A certain individual, who for the sake of the story we will merely refer to as ‘Carla’ called to cough to an incident that saw him as a mere innocent bystander at the week end. Allegedly he (for ‘Carla’ is in fact a male) was proceeding along in his car with his bicycle on his roof…….when some complete and utter bast**d placed a height restricting barrier across the entrance to the car park he was about to enter…..you know the rest of the story for as ‘Carla’ said himself “lightening is not meant to strike the same place in twice, let alone three times”!!

2. Within minutes of this earth shattering call YT then received another call, this time from someone we will give the pseudonym “DD”…this time ‘DD’ is merely acting in the role of informer…..It would appear that the entire Lyndhurst Chapter of the PPCC complete with spouses in tow are en route to pay more into their numbered Swiss bank accounts and duly turn up at the appointed time at the airport (Velodrama newsdesk assumes this to be Stanstead as it adds more weight to the story), as our four intrepid International jet setters approach the check in desk Dr & Mrs Hildare check in and reveal their passports to which the check-in clerk states “these pictures do neither of you justice”. Then ‘DD’ and Mrs ‘DD’ approach the desk and hand over their papers….once again the check-in clerk uses his tried and tested line “these pictures in your passports do neither of you justice” and that was of course the case as they were in fact the passports of their two sons!!!! Even now as Dr and Mrs Hildare are supping cappuccinos whilst admiring the height of the water spout on Lake Geneva, Mr & Mrs ‘DD’ are awaiting the delivery of their correct passports by special family courier…..

Any way back to last week and the ride from a first time venue for the PPCC, namely Alresford. Young Scampers had obligingly put his hand up to lead the ride and assured us all of his confidence in his chosen route. At the appointed hour the masses gathered in the railway car park, YT feeling a tad embarrassed as he had left Chappers’ lights on charge in the office, still he was shortly equipped with Dr Hildare’s Gynaecological head torch… eleven riders set off at a fast pace through Old Alresford and into the dim night.

The initial road work was fine and interspersed with interesting trails many of which seemed to have been recently visited by the ‘mother of all 4x4’s’ as the trails were wrecked with deep ruts (still bearing the tyre tread patterned scars of the offensive vehicle), some of these ruts were at 90º to others, one such ‘crossroads’ catching out even our esteemed RM who you would have thought would have remembered this obstacle from his scoping only a few days previously. Anyway Scampi took a proper tumble with full front wheel plant and was heard giggling like a babby at his own misfortune!

The trails continued with many over hanging branches and dangling vines/brambles, fortunately the Duke avoided a second impaling and there were no further incidents. The route was interesting in itself as we became victims of the ‘Bradley Triangle’ effect when it mattered not how far we road but at each signposted junction we never got any closer to or further away from Bradley.

Eventually as even the new turbo powered lights were starting to fail we found a familiar road and the 5 mile sprint for home was underway. YT would of course partaken in this ‘race’ but with St Pat in absentia felt duty bound to accompany the RM back as the chap was in the words of Charles Aznivore “sans Lumières”.

Back at the Bell Inn St Pat and Skinny joined us for a libation and to witness the clean sweep by Scampi picking up three points on the one ride!

31st October 2006 Filly Inn Setley

YT arrived stressed and late again, but this time not as stressed or late as Chappers. Like me, he had Hedge End problems again. Unlike me, he had contributed to them, albeit unwittingly, as a lady driver seen a Police Car and had reversed into him on the roundabout.

Having arrived, Chappers then had to track down DF's Klein Attitude (ironic choice of bike for DF - always thought he had a Grosse Attitude). I assume the Orange is again in dock.

And then we were off, ably led by Hair Route Meister Gomez. Apart from a little dodging of a Forest Keeper in a 4x4, it was Chappers who again hogged the limelight, determined to hold the Fez (it was cold and he hasn't got a hat).

DF's second steed was riding fine until Chappers managed a gusher of a puncture, spraying slime like a geyser. And here, stopped on a bridge, it became just a little tiresome. DF's tyres ("never had a puncture for 5 years, mate") were so firmly wedged on the rims ("tubeless", he proudly announced) that it took 10 minutes and three people to get them off, using tools retrieved from my wizard's sleeve of a Camelbak, culminating in DF having to stab the inner tube to let the rest of the air out (the valve was well and truly stuck ("I always do them up super tight with pliers, mate", said DF (who, as you might guess, doesn't ride WITH the pliers needed to UNdo them!).

"Anyone got a tube?" Silence told until, unable to resist the mounting tension, the Duke of E offered one of his - a 1.3 roadie tube, presumably an economy measure! Gomez murmured his approval - would take less of his air - if, of course, he were carrying any, he quickly added, shuffling to the back of the group.

Back on the steed, Chappers limped on until Lyndhurst deflating all the while, when YT had a brainwave. As we were outside the Duke of Welly's house, why not pop in and pinch his front wheel? The Duke absent, Imogen, Duchess of Welly went one further - why not swap the whole bike? Big mistake! Unlike the Duke of Welly, Rob is used to a thoroughbred - and one with proper forks and adjustable seat to boot! General consensus in the pub afterwards - that a man with a stately pile in The New Forest needs to spend a good deal more on his bike - if only to offer proper hospitality when the needy come calling in need of charity. Black mark to you Sir!

18 miles. No falls. Votes included:

Pimp Meister Martel and his bicycle harem
Phil "The Thin Tube (White) Duke"
Matron (now we have 9 other Nurseys).
Imogen for the ass tingling replacement steed.

3 way Slapcock showdown between Gomez, Rob and The Duke of Welly, who was disqualified for not producing the necessary at the appropriate moment. Gomez won, much to the displeasure of Chappers, who had managed to arrive late after a car accident, start on one borrowed bike, only to finish on another and had the only puncture - normally guaranteed to be a winning combination

October 24th 2006 Wilton

YT arrived very stressed and very late. Thanks to everyone for waiting and to St Pat for putting the bike together in the car park. I was too flustered to remember that the last time St Pat helped out in such fashion was on the IOW road ride, when he failed to secure the handlebars, meaning that they rotated on a steep downhill.

About 12 of us followed RM Chappers west out of Wilton up to the ridge, west along the ridge, and then (after a few false starts, but not ending in the same barbed wire puncture fest disaster as last time Rob led this ride) took a north. On a clear, dry night, the 12 ridden miles were quickly covered, the only real incident of note involving the RM, who cleared up all the points (MOTR, RM and a fall) on offer (excepting 2 of the gayest offs from ST Pat - who was hurt by being regaled with his 1 fall per 34 mile average off-road (probably now less than 1 in 30 after these 2 beauties) and retorted stating a no falls in 4500 road miles) with a corking off.

Setting off for the last leg along the fast, wide, hedgelined, straight track east back into Wilton, Chappers threw down the gauntlett and applied maximum hammer, closely followed by Skinny and YT. At full pace, Chappers then disappeared from view, unseen by Skinny or YT, who were within 10 and 20 yards respectively. As I passed the vanishing point I noticed a shaking branch. We stopped, quizzed each other and then went back, retracing our steps in an effort to track the errant RM, deciding that the best place to start was the shaking branch. Some of the more nervous were beginning to get spooked, suspecting alien abduction or early Halloween supernaturalness. I tried to sooth: "If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now......it's just Rob's spring clean for the May Queen".

And so it was. Our RM had left the track at right angles to the desired direction of travel so quickly and silently that his exit was completely un-noticed, fully embedding himself in the hedge - no lights, no nothing visible. It's fair to say he was both shaken and stirred!

October 17th Cattle Market curry run

The lure of a curry, together with the first of the shorter distance winter rides, resulted in a stunning turn-out of 16 of the PPCC’s finest. Assembled in a car park, the hint of rain saw most of the crew heavily overdressed, stripping as the ride proceeded, the threatened rain having come to nothing.

The turn-out amazingly included the return of Johnny Bell, thanks to the promise of a short ride and the loan of DD’s lights, on what is believed to be a first appearance since 2004. Johnny’s previous claim to fame was for attending more PPCC Christmas dinners than rides, and he was almost unanimously awarded Man of the Ride for his surprise appearance at the end of the evening.

Pre-Ride..........Three of the EFG (Early Finish Group - Wozza, Carla and Pickle – see below) decided in view of their need to maintain fitness to take part in a pre-ride to add additional mileage to their regime before the evening’s outing. Reputedly, they set off about lunchtime, with Carla in the lead; but despite Wozza and Pickle being astride a combined £6000-worth of best cycling equipment money could buy, the allegedly super-fit Carla lost them within a few miles in the middle of nowhere; and in another example of his quality leadership skills, the group was never to re-form, with Wozza and Pickle left to find their way back to the car park by following road signs

The Ride.....The evening’s outing was an excellent winter mix of road and track, and saw the entire route carried out without a single puncture, mechanical or fall. Occasional routes and some mud provided entertainment and interest. Some excitement at the front took place on the occasional hill, most notably YT and Marranatang battling it out in the Heavyweight Mountain Climbers’ Division, with a stop for regrouping at the top of each slope.The one serious patch of mud saw the super-fit Carla (now obviously tired from his pre-ride antics) unable to respond by pressing his brake lever, and riding up Skinny’s leg, as the rest of the pack slowed to negotiate the obstacle. In an interesting legal ruling (obviously based upon American litigation principles) Carla declared this to be Skinny’s fault; but sadly the jury were non-supportive.

Close to the end of the ride, which eventually turned out to be about 12 miles, St Pat handed over leadership to Nursey for the run-in across the golf course. Knowing that this may be destined for disaster, (Nursey’s derailleur normally breaks at the first sign of any responsibility), the pack set off across the golf course, quickly separated into three groups by the first junction. Allegedly, Carla at the back of the first group was again the culprit here as, instead of waiting to give directions, he simply assumed that people would be able to see his back light.

The second section, by a process of trial and error known as guessing, correctly took the left hand track at the first fork; with the final group arriving at the fork were unsure whether to take the left or the right. In an interesting piece of diplomatic leadership, St Pat (now in charge of the final group) suggested that we took neither path but simply rode between them across the grass on the basis that we would be less lost than if we took the wrong path! In so doing, this reduced our 50/50 chance of being on the wrong path to a 100% certainty – but I suppose at least we would know we were lost ………! Fortunately, a shout from the back of the second group led us down the left hand path and saw the second and third groups assembled at the final T junction, where it was believed the majority of the pack had gone right, but Mini had gone left. An interesting discussion on whether it was appropriate to abandon Mini ensued; but sadly not contributed to by his parent, who was the cause of the carnage in the first instance. Mini was eventually recalled by the tried and tested time-assured method of shouting loudly, and the group re-convened at the end of the car park for a gentle ride back to the car park; bringing the end to an excellent winter ride, which has enabled those wishing to maintain fitness to exercise their hill-sprinting ability, whilst those of a lesser performance standard were able to finish well up the bunch. Turbo was even seen at the front at one stage.

After Ride......Pre-dinner drinks, including a good range of beers and an excellent Merlot, were served in the Albion before departure to fill the adjacent tandoori, with the exception of one other couple, who had obviously planned a romantic evening; but at least they got to bed early ……!

Following ample poppadums, mostly consumed by Carl, Phil Payter was able to enter the Guinness Book of Records for the largest amount of lime pickle consumed at a single sitting, Once the difficulties of main course ordering from sixteen customers with a combined attention span of eighteen seconds was overcome, an excellent range of tasty food was presented, and most people even got what they ordered!.............The post-ride banter was up to its usual standard, and Johnny Bell was awarded the Fez, if only to ensure that he comes again.

All in all, a quality night out for 25 quid.

October 10th Happy Cheese Lyndhurst........ or Five Frustrated Fools Forget France

Forest Folk Forsake Fahrrad Forum

Wo sind die Forest Leute? Um halb sechs es gab nur funf Reiter und nur Bertie aus der Neu Forest! Wo ist mein Fuhrer?

A poor showing indeed as only YT, St Pat, RM Bertie, Chappers and the Duke showed for the first Forest Ride in simply ages - tending to demonstrate the declining interest in this peripheral outpost of boggy sh*te and unununundulating gravel track. No wonder the troops are crying out for more Mean Valley action - damn the mud and consequences. Go East young men!

Famous Funboy Five Frolic in Forest

Assembled in good time we did the usual through Churchplace Enclosure, but this time the ride took a novel twist as Bertie went neither left toward Longdown, nor right over the railway, but straight ahead.......straight into the first of many boggy indistinct tracks. Eventually arriving at Beaulieu Road, RM then struck south, skirting Bishop of Winchester's Purlieu with Beaulieu the proclaimed destination. The route degenerated as Bertie let the Duke follow his nose and we ran well off track with many rivers to cross. Knowing better, as ever, YT then took command and followed his nose through a well defined track down into a quagmire and then a stream, terminating disappointingly in a barbed wire fence on the opposite bank. Wise BEFORE the event, the Fortunate Four had stayed on dry land. Retracing our steps to the road, we headed off to Buckler's Hard, the Duke starting to lag and starting to moan (long discussion afterwards whether this was a winter or summer ride and, IF the former, whether the rules imposed a 15 mile cap. Bertie and YT were just happy to put some distance between them and DF (who isn't counting by the way!) on the schedule, while Chappers the Duracell bunny was just pleased to romp as long as it lasted).

Falling Four in Friverside Fwalk Fiasco

And so to the Riverside Walk. With new sections of boardwalk under construction, this is a Hard Hat Area. St PAt demonstrated it to be a Hard of Understanding Area by attempting to ride work in progress and falling, whilst Bertie laughed so much he fell off. Bertie stopped on the next slippery section, YT skirted left through the mud a foot below, failing, however, to avoid the wide load stuck above. On ploughing to a halt and sticking his right leg up on the boardwalk to balance, said leg kept going (Bertie: "I told you it was slippy") producing an excrutiating splits on a bike (but not a fall readers!). For those not in the know - I am no Darcy Bussell! Gingerly back in the saddle, YT led the charge to catch up the Duke, who was waiting around the next corner having come a cropper on the next section. Meanwhile Chappers claimed a clear round.

Full Force Frantic Forging Five

With the pub now calling, and a small group being more manageable than usual, the road sprint home was hell for leather, done at a cracking pace, mainly in train and without a break, generally led by Chappers.

The Stats: 23 miles ......Average speed a very commendable (after loads of dead ends and boggy dead stops in the first part of the ride) 11.7 mph...............Chappers non faller, St Pat claimed 2 (plus numerous unconvincing recoveries), the Duke 2 and YT and Bertie 1 apiece. No mechanicals. .......MOTR - Duke after a Slapc*ck showdown with RM.

Oct 3rd Brushmakers Upham ........humour the backward kid

llew enod ipmacS. ...........A taerg edir. tsuJ a emahs ti saw neddir sdrawkacb. roF esoht ton ereht, ipmacS dah ylgninnuc depocs eht edir morf sih riahcmra dna yltnetrevdani tog lla eht tsaf sllihnwod no camrat with all the lovely rooty, rutty, flinty drops turned into slippery uphill slogs.

11 present (after the M27 had done its worst) and more or less correct, we headed south downhill on tarmac before reaching the lowest point before starting the first of the uphill off road slogs to Greenhill Lane. Down the tarmac to Baybridge and then up the flinty track to Fulflood Farmhouse on the Morestead Road, with more uphill more or less until we reached Cheesefoot Head. At this point St Pat of Sabotage stepped in. Having been briefed beforehand by Scampi (also now known as Scopi) and realising that Scampi's route might be in danger of out walloping the Wallopmeister himself (if not being in any danger of actually reaching said airfield), St PAt suggested "cutting off a corner" by riding down the A272 and then Rodfield Lane before picking up the South Downs Way. There is no doubt he cut the corner, but he also cut 3 off the pack including the RM, who was waiting at the bottom a little longer than anticpated after DF stopped to deal with his little prick, which had somehow got stuck in his rear tyre (Don't ask).

The South Downs Way was followed all the way to Beacon Hill (laugh? - the Duke was in stitches!) UPHILL, before we then whipped down 1 or 2 miles on tarmac to St Clairs Farm, then along the Hangars and down into Dean, up Little Ashton Lane before taking the bridleway up behind the gallops - and yes, Miss Marple, some of us found it Murder, others, like Jim, who fell off - Most Foul!

Eventually fully assembled at the top of Beeches Hill for the final downhill rollercoaster along Bigpath, the promise of impending fun was improved no end by the failure of several sets of lights by battery shutoff. I am told there were falls for St Pat, ? and ? , but I'm afraid YT had full beam and the hammer down, followed by Chappers in hot pursuit. At the point where the path drops chalkily off the scarp, YT nearly came a cropper, but instead, in a piece of balancing skill/luck unlikely ever to be repeated and much admired by Chappers (who knows a thing or two about self-induced danger I can tell you), managed to glide 10 yards or more speedway style before a full recovery.

Much bouyed, the close of the evening got even better when, for the 3rd time in as many weeks, Turbo Jim threw down the gauntlet for the uphill sprint into Upham and - sox or no red sox - his sorry *rse was whipped once more.

Although the Brush did not run to free snacks this time, the beer was good, the seating warm (Grandad had arrived early to bag a table) and the welcome excellent and cyclist friendly as ever. We should make a point of patronising this pub a little more often IMHO. Scampi won MOTR in a Slapc*ck showdown with Jim, although there was disappointingly little slap and no c*ck whatsoever (at least from my vantage point)

By the way PPCC - CCPP?? Was PPCC originally a front organisation, original founders Burgess, Philby and Martel? Is DF a Cambridge Graduate/well known homosexualist?

Sept 26th 2006 Trolley dash Tesco Winchester

Billed by Nursey as the Magical Mystery Tour, we dropped a consonant somewhere along the way (Carol!) and it turned into the Magical Mysery Tour.

Puzzlingly - and one can only assume interruptions in the Time-Space continuum - although we set off from Winchester and only did 17 miles, we managed to visit Netley Marsh, Netley Abbey and Netley Common. No wonder the legs were stinging!

15 gathered in the car park including Hellmutt (furthest east yet ventured?), Wozza (new bike), Gomez (furthest west yet ventured?), a whole bevy of regulars and Coco the Clown (Ian Froome).

Through Easton, Martyr Worthy and north to Itchen Wood we picked up the Oxdrove Way, after stopping for Skinny's brush(wood) with destiny in Itchen Wood, the track though which was strewn with logging detritus and huge ruts and puddles (how do the Forestry Commission always know where the PPCC ride will be and how do they always manage to time their work between the Tuesday of the ride and the preceding Sunday afternoon when the ride would have been fully scoped?). Notwithstanding Duke's badly scarred visage - a lesson to us all in paying proper trackside attention, and St Pat's immediately earlier tangle with the same stump/branch, Skinny came a proper cropper by failing to pay attention. Despite gross stupidity, he was the recipient of a huge sympathy vote and walked the MOTR voting.

A downhill blast and a rutty climb toward New Alresford, and then down the road to Itchen Stoke before taking the human bridleway over the river.

Let the games commence! The track through Hampage Wood was uphill, clay, subject to perilously overhanging boughs and was completely feckin overgrown with nature's sternest warning to keep off the grass - Nettles! No wonder we woz Itchen!

Over A272, off to Cheesefoot (Rat trick Warwick Smythe narrowly missed bagging vermin after hotfoot close pursuit) and then down the South Downs Way - although not quite as far down as YT, St Pat and Woz. If one were being critical, we could blame the RM for losing 20% of his herd - although that might be a bit harsh seeing as the 3 lost themselves off the front of the pack. YT managed to stand on wasp nest in the dark and got stung. St Pat made some comment about a little prick and can be forgiven his confusion, as we all 3 had our lights off, but YT protested long and hard that he was nowhere near Wozza at the time

Anyway, we all got back and re-convened at the Willow Tree. In the pub Hellmutt was explaining about his frequent absences on Tuesdays being occasioned by trips to his masseuse/pedicurist. Whilst the Duke of E expressed interest in said foot masseuse, it was explained that she would have no interest in serving him - as, regrettably, he didn't have a foot.

Fallers: Hellmutt, Coco, Carla (gay off) and Skinny

NEXT WEEK's Trolley Dash B & Q Hedge End - Gomez to RM - Mind the forklifts....... Only Joking

Sept 19th 2006 Five or Six Bells Buriton

Sept 12th 2006 White Lion Soberton DUKE OF EDINBURGH FAILS OWN AWARD!

It all started so quietly, the balmy evening light softening shadows as Chappers, Skinny, Badger James,VD, Gustar and DF fettled in the village hall car park wondering where the rest might be. As it transpired, few of the other regulars were to bless us with their presence, the most noticeable absentee again being HMQC PC aka Cat-o-nine-tails..........think about it!

And at the appointed hour, cometh the hour, cometh the people. Village people!

John Cervenka (Indian)
Jon (Construction Worker)
Duncan (Leather bound Cop)
Turbo Jim (Sailor)...........And the Duke, of course.

We set off, passed the pub......and then stopped for the obligatory Bertie puncture. Then it was onto the railway heading south and choking on the dust. Jim was leading a charmed life - despite having scoped the ride from a pub and selected the boggy bridleway from hell leading from Mislingford to Cott Street, never knowingly rideable, it turned out to be firm underfoot. The downhill towards Droxford was the usual fast and rooty fun, tempered with the climb up Oxford Lane and then the drop into Droxford before the long climb to Corhampton Golf Course. The pack then headed off to Beacon Hill, the last of the light fading as we reached the crest and Duke stormed off down the singletrack with the rest following suit, throwing down the gauntlet in fearsome fashion, despite being the only one of the regulars without upgraded lights. The Duke was going to get his own "Woodland Skills" badge with flying colours!

And then......with just enough candlepower to spy the fallen tree (big picture), adjust track and body position to pass under, but nowhere near enough to pick out the detail (spiky broken branch pointing up the track), our very own royal rider speared himself and progress was most emphatically arrested. Much peering and prodding of the wound (where were Scampi's healing hands in the hour of need?) revealed that it was a good deal more than a scrape and Phil's neighbour Jon (Kylie to Phil's Jason) offered to escort the casualty home and thence to A&E (not the gynae ward), presumably in St Jon's Ambulance. Before they departed DF offered a soiled hanky as a compress for the wound, held in place by the helmet strap, and it would appear that the Duke was beyond caring with what sort of mucus DF might have earlier besmirched said 'kerchief.

One final climb up Old Winchester Hill and then it was down to Meonstoke, onto the railway line and a hell for leather race home, Turbo Jim bringing up the rear having challenged Skinny and VD to a race but peaked too early yet again.

Back in the pub, we all lamented that HMQC was absent - his very own "Milk of human kindess" thought to be just the balm for the savaged chin, John turned out to be yet another Concrete Floater (3 out of 11 riders!), James coughed to 2 falls and DF rang Phil in A&E to inform that "we were all in stitches" and that he had bagged MOTR with votes including Scara redmist, Tree Surgeon, Faceache and, from the Fast Show admirer, - Suture Sir!

For those not already aware, Phil has had 8 stitches and presumably a monstrously sore face. Get well soon!.................21 miles done at a cracking 12 mph plus.

Sept 5th 2006 Selbourne Arms

Apologs for delay, one of our shyer and more retiring members has just reminded me to put digit to keyboard……..

It was with some degree of trepidation that after many, many, many weeks of badgering, the PPCC succumbed to Carla’s desire to take us all up the back of Selbourne. The little darling had been promising that in the land where there be dragons, we would all be pleasantly surprised by the interesting nature of the trails he had discovered and would not begrudge the extreme travel distance required to reach this ‘land that time forgot’.

Well one thing he did get right – it was a blo0dy long way from anywhere – another thing he got right was scaring Granddad off with tales of treacherous downhills – so much so that Al took to the road and was joined by the lesser-spotted Gomez (another wolf in sheep’s lycra).

At the appointed hour you could have been fooled into thinking that the weekly gathering was in La Foret Nouvelle as the car park was chocka! At the time of pedal off there was an impressive 14 riders, with such regulars as the stuffed Beaver; Gomez; DD; Granddad and Harry inabsentia (the latter breaking his promise due to a severe bout of pussy-whipping [the suggestion that he could have expressed some sustenance and left the new sprog with a few vids and a six pack] allegedly fell on deaf breasts) we could have been on for a record turn-out!

Anyway YT dragged along another Kiwi house guest, unbelievably also called Kiwi ‘Jeff’ and as per his namesake due to be yet another one hit wonder (YT breathing a sigh of relief at that turn of events), and a welcome return to Tuesday night frolics from Hellmutt and Pace (the well known comedy double act).

Anyway back to the ride….and true to form for a Carla outing we were on a mammoth up hill before the old legs had realised they were needed for more than depressing the accelerator pedal! This soon led into possibly (and YT begrudgingly has to admit it) one of the most enjoyable rides of the summer season – encompassing some phenomenally exciting downhills, single track and coupled with good wooded trails and even the road bits were good!

Scampi joined us a short way into the ride, the Duke was ( as common parlance says ‘on fire’ [unfortunately not literally]); Jimbo had his trade mark ‘redsox’ at full attack height; Chappers resplendent in the full MIB uniform (this week managing to keep his gusset intact – the hussy); St Pat in a jaunty ‘Northern Soul’ sleeveless dance floor favourite singlet; Skinny in hill-squashing climbing mode; Bertie yet again prone to proving that Man cannot fly especially when locking horns with a true Antipodean flightless Bird! Nursey looking a little less all conquering on some of the climbs, or was he saving himself?

All in all it was a great evening, even with the second half requiring full illumination, the chase back to the pub and the craic are now becoming hallmarks of a good Tuesday’s effort and the true mark of a well scoped and enjoyable evening was the presentation of the fez to our RM despite spectacular distractions Kiwi Jeff and Bertrand….

August 29 2006 Walter Tyrell Canterton

Welcome Ladies and Gentleman to the race you have all been waiting for...the 6.30 from Canterton.

The Facts: Going: Good to firm, soft in places

Field: 15

Weather: Generally fine with 60% cloud cover, precipitation in sight.

Race: Open to all comers, over 18.5 miles, represented to be on the all-weather flat course (but more of that later).

The Field (including Form Guide from Alleyn O'Hilder).

AOH: A truly cosmopolitan field includes old nags, yearlings, novices, racin snake thoroughbreds and a foreign entry. Nursey has to be the favourite but some unknown quantities here could offer more value to the adventurous punter.

Diminished Dave - One time plucky tryer Dangerous Dave, renamed after catastrophic loss of confidence when well beaten by his colt offspring on his last outing over the jumps at this course. 10/1

Jumpin' Jon - Surprisingly effective over jumps, but only 12 hands and must be doubts whether he will stay. Good pedigree. By Dangerous Dave out of (H)ambulance Hilary. 20/1

Grandad - An old crowd pleaser and still splendid on the flat but hind quarters shot and no confidence over jumps after bad fall at Surrey. One for the housewives only. 33/1

Da Fuhrer - Has got all the equipment to excel over hurdles but has yet to put it to use. One paced on the flat. Worth a look? 12/1

Badger Botherer - Late to racing, having started life beside the sea giving rides to kiddies on the sands. From the same stable as trained Turbo Jim. Strong, but tendency to attract unwanted attention from Suffragette wildlife could be his downfall. 8/1

Skinny - Confident on the flat, circumspect over obstacles. Canterton understood to be his Local course. Built for speed. 6/1

Maxi me - formerly Mini me (another Jockey Club re-name). Becoming quite a big horse - 16+ hands but over confident and tends to blow too hard. Likely to misjudge the pace - never learns. 15/1

Max - Somewhat confusingly, Uncle to Maxi me, brother to VD, but has only raced in the US. Looks fit and eager but who knows. 12/1

VD - Vastly improved with a good turn of speed, although still carrying far too much weight to be truly competitive on the uphill sections. Thought to be able over jumps, although reports of recent overseas ride were very poor (it was a handicap, not for the handicapped) and may not get a clear round. 12/1

Nursey - The class performer in the field, able over any terrain despite being appallingly badly stabled and looked after. Only poor preparation will see him fail to be in the first 3. 4/1

Chappers - Another whose natural gifts are sometimes undermined by poor preparation and a tendency to rush his fences. Has had to be re-mounted too often but always game and has never failed to finish. 7/1

Duke of Edinburgh - More fit for pulling a carriage these days. Aggressive, has been known to attract the stewards attention for biting and will almost certainly be blinkered. 15/1

Gustar - Has hardly missed an outing this season. Carrying top weight but always there or thereabouts and has certainly had outings where he has p*ssed all over the competition. Bladder control suspect. 6/1

Jonny's Mate - Little known about this novice. 20/1

Gormers - Sponsored by B & Q's Customer Service Department. Likes the local tracks but tends to wander and lacks popularity with the stewards. Obstructed Grandad at the weekend. 12/1

The Race

Jumpin Jon was under strict orders from DD and DF that the ride was to be on the flat, preferably on the all weather surface to accommodate the more infirm of the field.

Generally dry but bumpy, the field headed out from Canterton striking northward to Fritham, the eager youngsters making the early progress, shadowed by VD. A swift downhill to Linwood Bottom saw the field stretched, but regrouped again (after some course confusion) for the uphill stretch to High Corner, where the gravel gave way to an all weather (tarmac) straight heading east, which saw Max and the 3 top weights vying for supremacy into the wind until effortlessly bested by Nursey in the final furlong. More all weather track ensued, but some of the field were becoming increasingly anxious as JJ (under the persuasive influence of the headstrong VD) turned the runners and riders toward Pipers Wait. Twice round the big downhill fences saw the men sorted from the boys - although this time it was the men in the main who were to be found wanting. With light fading the inexperience of the novices was cruelly exposed, with no light and failing stamina leaving them floundering behind the field as the long sprint through Bramshaw and Canterton ensured a thrilling climax.

The Result

Approx Placings (Poorly floodlit finishing post)

Nursey - Clear round and well placed for effective spint finish to claim 1st
Chappers - Silks almost completely ripped asunder in 1 of his 2 falls. Only the finish in the dark saved him from disqualification on the grounds of indecency
Skinny - Very poor over the jumps but finished strongly in a photo for 3rd with VD.
VD - No sign of the Slovenia shame as the fences were cleared with ease - if not style. Led for considerable stretches but performance undermined yet again by weight on the uphill, leaving him too poorly placed to mount an effective sprint finish
Diminished Dave - Clear round and finished well ahead of his colt. May be encouraged to apply for his old name once more. Some pride restored.
Grandad - Still no confidence over jumps but the housewives love a grey and he didn't let them down. One fall, but no submission
Badger Botherer - Gaining all the time
Max - Fit and showed flashes of real class on the all-weather sections, but jumped surprisingly badly given his relationship to VD and Maxi - me
Gustar - Reliable.
Duke of Edinburgh - Left the course for 1/4 mile, which did not go un-noticed by the stewards. Surprisingly fast over the jumps but narrowly avoided a catastrophic fall on a sharp left hand turn adjoining the big ditch. Hampered by lack of lights in the final stages.
Da Fuhrer - Disappointing. Left the course for 1/4 mile, which did not go un-noticed by the stewards. Refused virtually every fence. Really looks the part in paddock but will he ever realise his potential?
Gormers - Old failings. Actually obstructed riders in another race (car) this time
Jumpin' Jon - Very good over jumps, but stamina failed (and hampered by lack of light preparation). Will learn - one for the future
Jonny's Mate - As above. May learn - one for the future?
Maxi me - Went temporarily lame after the jumps. VD had to help him take a thorn out of his hoof. Went off like a show pony with flying mane, came home with his gaudily coloured (mohican) tail between his legs. Will never learn.

MOTR Chappers by a short leg from Jumpin' Jon

July 25 2006 Bridge Shawford (aka ‘The last supper’)

A 12 crew turnout despite still being in holiday season was more than we
could have wished for, with temperatures again well into the 30º’s!!

Scampi at the helm with Bertie as First Officer (cos he had a map) we left
the car park and made our way across the motorway on many trails that we
had not previously graced with our knobbly tyres….about a mile in and it
was apparent that there was anew rider in our midst a certain Ian Frome ( a
warm PPCC welcome to Froomy) especially to the spd shoes he wore which he
allegedly borrowed of the set of ‘Multi coloured Dreamcoat’ from that gimp
who used to be in Neighbours! Hopefully Ian will be out again as with a
bit of training (especially in the getting off your bike when stopped
department [more of that later] he could be quite handy).

We eventually got to a bit we recognised when crossing over the bridge at
Badger Farm we then made our way across the common and then down dingly
dell to the rail crossing bridge, where we realised that we were short
about 5 riders!! After waiting a few minutes they appeared with tales of
how Wozza had got his Tour de France arrow caught up with Harry’s squirrel
and Woz then flew (non too balletically) over the handle bars – what a
trooper…

Scamps then led us down to ride across the protected water meadows only to
find our path literally barred by two cycle-mounted police people,
resplendent astride their Smith & Wessons!! With a quick about face we
headed along the track to Garnier Roadand thence on the river side trail to
St Catherine’s Hill….at which point James B and Skinny decided to form a
splinter group and rather than ride up Plague Pits they would tackle the
Hill itself. As the throng gathered in awe, it was not long before James
went backwards over his rear wheel and landed in a comfy gorse bush, Skinny
had dismounted and Harry tapping one finger against his nose whispered “ I
knew that climb was impossible” [ he must be psychic).

The crew regrouped in time to dash down two ribs gully before climbing up
to the road (where Mr Frome completely forgot about the need to detach his
SPD from his pedal and had one of the gayest offs of this or any other
season) and then across the firing range (tackling a mighty barbed wire
fence on the way) before almost making Cheesfoot Head. Carla was wincing
at this point in recall even though he was probably riding one of the most
sure-footed steeds he had ever had the fortune to get his leg over!

Nevertheless we dipped out of the flinty monster and instead made our way
by trail and road towards Twyford, where a minor mutiny (whilst Bertie was
fixing his rear end blow out) sure the final two miles back to the pub
tackled on rather than off road.

With wonders never ceasing Clare duly produced probably the best Lemon cake
that any of us had previously encountered which was gratefully received and
liberally washed down with David Mellor or one of various other tipples.

Despite not wishing to make a speech Clare did again mention that her works
leaving drinks are taking place on this Friday 28th July at Langleys (10
Bedford Pl, Southampton SO15 2DB) in Southampton from 12.30 pmand that PPCC
members would be most welcome – so if you’re around why not be there?

Clare was duly and almost unanimously voted MoTR; Woz, James B and Froomy
taking a point for tumbles of varying magnitudes; Bertie with a blow out,
and a 16 mile credit for attendees except Chappers and Nursey who were just
there for the beer and cake!!

Finally to Clare – despite the PPCC’s initial trepidations of having a
female rider in our midst you will be missed and as the first girl to ever
have survived more than one Tuesday ride (I think you have made 18 rides of
the 2006 season and a similar number from 2005) plus many excursions
including the Isle of Wight; Purbecks and Afan – many more than a lot of
our male membership – keep up the cycling in Wales and hopefully we will
see you in the future on some of the day rides and our social do’s.

July 18 2006 Salisbury (aka the ‘Italian Job’)

Billed as one of the events of the year, Chappers had gone to great lengths
to coax his new found eye-tallion ‘Stefano’ the train driver to take the
PPCC on a magical mystery tour from Salisbury out to Stonehenge and
back…..therefore when only seven members showed (apparently it is holiday
season??) we knew we were in for something special….

As YT arrived at the start point in Harnham, Chappers was having his rear
end anal-ysed by Stefano, only on close inspection from a different angle
was it possible to see that it was the rear derailleur on Chappers
tangerine that was in need of some major adjustment! Anyway by 7.00 pmit
was sorted and the rest of us (Carla [fresh back from Afan the day before];
Bertie; Scampi [yes again!!]; Clare; Skinny and YT) were hot to trot, and
at over 30ºC it was damned hot….so we set off.

A quick road bit up to behind Wilton House before we hit an easy field
track and some minor off-roading ensued, not yet 3 miles into the excursion
and Carla managed to snap his rear mech hanger (obviously not something
that must have been knocked at Afan the day before, presumably done on the
1 ½ miles of road…..!!) anyway despite much friendly cajoling about doing
the decent thing and limping back to the cars so the rest of us could get
on with the ride, Carla (with assistance from Bertie) took some 20 – 30
minutes to not fix it and convert the bike into a single speed. At this
point the very patient and understanding Stefano announced that we would
have to cut the ride short and Stonehengewas now unattainable (still it has
stood for many millennia so we may get another chance?)

Now resplendent with our complete compliment (including the leper –Carla)
we set off through some interesting wooded sections before coming out on
top of a phenomenal ridge line with stunning views, the down hill was
excellent but required much concentration and therefore the views were a
little wasted on us…with a stop for a photo opp (Chappers can you get Stef
to e-mail these to you so we can upload on’t website?) we set off
completing the downhill and crossed into more wooded stuff, YT emerging at
the other end with a flattie….no more that five minutes to swap tubes and
we’re off again, ½ a mile further on and Bertie also develops a floppy….a
further five minutes of change and we catch the remainders up and set off
on the return leg.

Some tracks we had crossed before with Chappers, but mainly all PPCC virgin
territory, including the final descent down a flinty farm trail to the road
that led back to Wilton. At the bottom of this exhilarating stretch a long
gap seemed to develop and we realised that we were missing our single speed
chum….knowing of his penchant for fast flinty downhills we eventually
surmised that he must have had a major off or had by now worn out his brake
pads, so we dutifully set off back up the hill expecting to find a mangled
wreck of blood, blubber and bike bits, only to discover he was again
aspiring to be a bike mechanic whilst fixing his ssssssingle speed.

The last section was road sprinting of about 5 miles back to base with
Chappers trying to sympathise with Carla by riding all the way back in the
same ration that the former was stuck in….crazy ba**tard! Anyway allegedly
hamsters do not like living alone.

With Scampi overtaking YT on this section we made it back as the dusk was
well and truly fallen with a respectable 23 miles under our belts and a
raging thirst. As Stefano (he with thighs like tree trunks) was up to
stoke his boiler at about 4.00 amwe bade he a thankful Arriva Derchi and
headed for the nearest watering hole, where Clare finally announced
(although we had all known for some time) that next week would be her last
PPCC ride before emigrating to Chester. She seemed somewhat taken aback
that she had never before heard of the longstanding tradition of the PPCC
that any leaving member should bake a cake for the Club to gorge themselves
on at the ‘last ride’ but anyway left muttering something about getting her
French fancies out for the boys the following week……!

In absentia, Stefano was nominated MoTR, Clare and Chappers both fell off
though in unrelated pathetic incidents, Carla –pah had many problems, and
YT and Bertie had blowouts, so all in all an eventful trip – multissimo
splendidio!!

June 20th 2006 cad NAM

Well it was going to be one of those ‘Dads ‘n’ Lads’ outings…..there was Carla and his son Mini; DD and his son ‘Johnny’ and of course Harry and his ‘ickle lad…….Freddie!!

With eight saddled up for the traditional Tuesday evening mountain bike ride, the roadie splinter faction included St Pat; Chappers; Granddad and Skinny – so no more about them as YT did not catch up with them until later in the pub….

Anyway we MTB’ers set off almost on time had it not been for Freddie having forgotten/lost his front skewer, but fortunately a helpful St Skinny went back to his car for a spare…..(H)eventually we set off via the lanes to the back of Newbridge and onto the NT land before tackling the gentle climb up past Bramble Hill. At the top we took our usual bumpy down hill track (now with mud all dried up) even DD remembered the fallen tree and managed to avoid disaster.

With a re-group Young Simpson informed us all that the route we ‘old men’ had taken was bit tame and suggested we climbed back up to tackle the ‘nippers’ hairy route, this we did and with Carla puffing like a lifetime woodbine smoker we stupidly all followed down nose to tail on a track we did not know. Although it was “well wicked” Harry came a cropper when failing to realize that if your front wheel is at 90º to the rest of your bike – you will get flipped over the handlebars. The resultant ‘Egg’ on his shin will be a timely reminder against such foolishness in the future….

At the bottom of this loop we were all reasonably enthused enough (except for Scampi) to do the whole thing again – so we did……Now with time marching on and our brave boys in the Fatherland awaiting our eager support we commenced the trip back, YT had a cunning plan that entailed the whole crew to keep an average of 30 mph on the way back……we failed…..we got lost in the woods…..Freddie had a puncture….the whole organization of the ride went tits up and we got back for the end of the first half!

Anyway a good 20 miles were clocked up, all the good seats were taken by the splinter roadie faction; even Nursey had a sofa to himself and some local Chav, so we traditionalists stood at the back or peered round corners looking at a telly smaller than most of us have at home with dire reception….anyway the lads done OK and we don’t meet the Hun in the next round so all were happy.

The usual voting saw a strange phenomenon – a Simpson won for not falling off!! Well done Johnny…..also well done to all attendees and the Beckham army.....Good luck to all Dragon Riders this week end.

June 13th 2006 Chez Grandad

In honour of the World Cup, this week's ride report is in the form of Carling Opta stats, brought to you after detailed analysis by the Fact Hunter

Roll Call ...........JP, Chappers, Clare, Joycey, Commoner Phil (non-Duke), Nursey, Jim, Skinny, DD, Grandad, Scampi, Dinger, Wozza, VD, Marrang Utang

Roll of Shame (late) ........JP, Clare, Scampi, Nursey [disputed]

Roll of Blame (mechanicals)........Chappers, Nursey, Clare

Roll of Fame ........Grandad - RM Grandad - BBQ Grandad - Bike Hire Grandad- Tool Hire
Grandad - Entertainments Officer Grandma - washing up

Roll over Shorts .................VD, JP, Joycey, Dinger, Marran, Scampi
M iles: 22 Except :-

Grandad - 66.89% ride completion. Honourable discharge for for Quartermaster duties.
Skinny - 66.89% ride completion. Scullion
JP - 66.89% ride completion. Dismissed unfit/went to fetch skewer
Nursey - 66.89 % ride completion. Discharge.

However, all miles should attract a Saintliness factor of 1.495, giving grossed up mileage of 22 (except Nursey).

RM...............Grandad - 54.55% DD - 31.82% VD - 13.63%

Brief resume: Starters: 15
Finishers: 10 66.66%
Fallers: 3 20.0%
Vegetarians : 2 (1 ate veggieburgers, the other crematieburgers) 13.33%
Mechanicals: 3 20.0%
Punctures: 1 6.7%
Water Opportunities: 2
Percentage of refusals at water obstacles: circa 33.333%
Routemeisters: 3 20%
Fat b*stards:6 40%
Curious Fact: The average rider was at least as likely to be a route meister as a faller.

Curious Fact: The average routemeister would appear to have a 33.33% chance of being a vegetarian.

Curious Fact: 50% of vegetarians eat meat.

Curious Fact: 66.66% of Fat B*stards were also suprisingly Fit B*stards (VD and scampi odd men out)
15 started after stragglers arrived (Clare having been via Lyndhurst - get the girl a TomTom somebody) and Chappers swapped his Orange without a bearing on the rear shock for Al's daughter's bike with toe clips, comfy seat and sit up'n'beg action, Jim resplendent in red sox. Phil had a gay off, managing to fall sideways whilst stationary - a prodigious feat considering he had flat pedals. Woz had a cracking off from the sandy ridge drop-off near Denny campsite.

After DD had fallen while turning in sand on the approach, YT had led Woz, Joycey and Dinger up, the latter 2 taking the drop without further ado. When YT came over all p*ssy-bottomed, Woz showed him the way..................not to. Dinger had borrowed a pale blue Orange full susser which he proceeded to wreck and rate by screwing the under pressured back tyre off the rim and taking a 3 foot drop off a concrete plinth and bottoming out the underpumped rear shock. Joycey managed a puncture and then Nursey managed to lose his entire back wheel, one of his shimano buddhist components - the cross threaded skewer supplied as a temporary fix by DF before the last Ice Age - giving up completely.

Grandad and Skinny decided to set off to put shrimps on the barbie and JP decided to nurse Nursey back to Chez Bertie for a spare skewer - for the bike, not the barbie. DD then took the RM helm and led us, surprisingly ably through Denny Wood, Lyndhurst, and Pikes Hill, before announcing to YT that I was now RM and that he was off home for a shower, but if we turned right by the third tree after the first stump after the second pony and then followed the road, it would all be fine. And b8gger me - for the first time ever it was!

Top Barbie action ensued. Scampi was short of the required spondoolicks, took up the offer of a whip round to help him out and we whipped him round Grandad's paddock.

Votes: ...........DD 6.7% Grandad 6.7% JP 6.7% Tracey 6.7% Dinger 13.3% Nursey 20% Wozza 40%

June 6th 2006 Velodrama 666 Meonstoke

How apt a ride on the date of the Devil and whom should be routemeistering – none other than our own little Beelzebub!!

The highest turnout of the 2006 season with 16 riders including 5 new riders, so a big PPCC welcome to:

E; Tim; Roger; John and the chap who did not come back to the pub the strangely named Mr Waktapi (why do cross-eyed lions called Clarence come to mind?)

With two of our number out on a road bike excursion and due to RV with us at the Buck’s Head it was going to be an 18 rider evening, even with the horned beast at the helm….

It was a stunningly hot and sunny night for a ride and the Duke did not disappoint, we even started with a lot of tracks that had not been graced by the wheels of the massed PPCC before, and so within a couple of miles our first mishap…and it was Clare who suffered the mikeanical with a snapped chain (obviously over lubed!) fortunately with St Pat in absentia Bertie took over and soon had his tool working double time and had Clare fixed up in a jiffy and back with the pack.

At this point we started a minor climb through fields of gently swaying crops with the shrill call of a distant Nightingale providing the musical accompaniment….then with a slight warning the Duke said ’We’ll be turning right in a minute with a bit of a climb so select your Granny now’, at that point we all had to dismount as there were two substantial steps to negotiate before the 45º angled slope….needless to say YT and a few other brave souls made the climb look easy whilst others……

Anyway the view from the top was stunning almost like ‘God’s won country’ and allegedly on a clear day one could see the IoW, it was clear day and no we couldn’t!!

Without further ado we continued on our merry way with all the new boys performing remarkably well, and in some cases out cycling many of the ‘old hands’!! Unfortunately Clare’s bike troubles were not over and her front mech was playing up despite the application of St Bertie’s tool….

As the return leg was approaching the Pace picked up as by this time Harry was in definite fully focused Mellor sniffing mode and was again probably a tad miffed by the further delay brought about by new boy Poots suffering a rear end blow out….this was to be our last hurdle and shortly thereafter saw the start of the final sprint for home, Harry of course won with Nursey on his tail and the rest of the crew staggering in after a hot and sweaty 20 miler. With Granddad (aka the Jolly Green Giant) and St Pat having been sampling the fruits of the vine for too long waiting for us to arrive, the evening passed pheasantly enough with Bertie winning the virtual fez for his Saintly administrations to our damsel in distress.

Hopefully we will not of put off over new intake of virgin PPCC riders and look forward to seeing them swelling our ranks in future…

May 30th 2005 A Wicked Warsash--Rising Sun

A warm dry Tuesday saw the team assembled for the woods and waterside from The Rising Sun at Warsash. Numbers were swelled and went into double figures by the welcome return of Scampi, by Tom freshly rejuvenated from his foot massage by his two "on-ride" masseurs also ready to attend at any moment. Ably led, some say, by HMQC, the usual marine style obstacle course featured heavily with a selection of styles, anti bike bars and locked gates to traverse.

After a few mishaps the team sped along the coast line through the woods until we discovered we were missing both Scampi and JP, Scampi’s bike being so shocked at being brought back into use, it staged a puncture to facilitate a rest. The assembled group waited patiently but without Harry who was route meister had sped ahead, allegedly to buy ice creams albeit with VD’s money. Demonstrating his well honed marine leadership skills, Harry rang the group to enquire “where the hell are you” and was eventually found, sadly without ice cream further along the track. At this point, Harry’s marine leaders course really kicked in and he directed us down a track with a shout of let’s rock when he actually meant, “there’s roots”, causing carnage amongst the speeding riders. Most notable falls were St Pat who managed to repeat the experience twice and a shuddering and bloodied Carla following an attempt at self flight reassembled at the base of the only true downhill of the evening.

Some mixed roadworks saw us back at the pub where Woz and Harry got stuck into the Stella in sterling style whilst Phil committed the cardinal sin of not finishing off a pint of the said liquid gold. HMQC was awarded man of the ride for his alleged route meistering.

May 23rd Unhappy Cheese Ashurst

Now this has to be a first, Carla calling to ask for confirmation that his intended ride would bee too wet and muddy for general PPCC consumption?

But it was true, that is what happened and faced with a Somme-ting type ride where red mist would have been de rigueur it seemed sensible to opt for the tried and tested Forest Gravel track option……..so without so much as a detailed briefing Bertie jumped at the opportunity of scoring his first RM point of the 2006 season and rose to the Challenge of pulling a dry rabbit out of a bucket of water!!

Believing that the cyclist formerly known as JP was up to his task 13 brave guinea pigs arrived at Ashurst ready for the off, even Hellmutt’s mate, the cyclist now known as ‘Pace’ was there, unfortunately Hellmutt himself was in absentia due to his clipping out a coupon from the Petersfield herald offering a massage at the East Hants going rate of £30 a foot, so much relieved Hellmutt emerged with change from a Deep Sea Diver…As soon as Chappers had finished putting on the Milk Tray outfit we set off somewhat unaware of what lay ahead……..

Initially (to quote Ronseal) the ride did everything it said on the tin, luvly gravel and the occasional wet spray but only off the tyre in front, then once out of the enclosure we headed up to Colbury Chapel and from then into the depths (yep YT means depths) of the watery splashes down into the back gate of Decoy Pond Farm. Here the two foot ford caught a few unawares but most made it through with just the standard length snorkel before we headed by road to the Beaulieu Road pub and onwards (stopping briefly to cheer what St Pat described as ‘obviously a bunch of amateur roadies’ trundle past us) via the road in towards Pig Bush.

At this point YT has to remind everyone that the Cap Badge of the Royal Marines is a globe beneath which is the Mob’s Latin catchphrase ‘per mare per terram’ which loosely translated means ‘on water (sea) on land’…..YT recalls no mention of this Service stating anything about ‘on air’, however with a 50 yard run up our former secret agent went for the triple and by God he managed it in true Eval Keneeval style but without the barrel roll into an offshoot of the Beaulieu River….rumour has it that the water was not quite as warm as it looked!!

Duly soaked young Harold (with many an envious sideways glance form a dry DD) continued with the rest of the troop into muddy gulch on our way up to Furzey Lane. The mud being so deep and so sticky that Nursey could get off his bike (this time not to fix it) and the bike stayed standing! With Harry showing off his Jungle warfare training on an old tyre strung from a tree, we passed uneventfully up to Hatchet’s Pond.

At this point out of the lea of the trees we finally felt the full force of the gale in front of us, and Bertie chose to have us ride a mile or so into the face of it….joie de vivre….at one point taking us off the road only to swiftly return into the head wind again for further punishment, when we eventually turned off onto the old airfield perimeter road it became apparent that some of our number were missing, it later transpired, after St Pat had once again earned his place in the Holy Trinity, that the lost sheep were CK and Clare who had taken the wrong turn at a T junction….

Anyway fully reunited and with Harry’s nipples now standing out like organ stops (due to the cold wind on his soaking uniform), we cruised the campsite before crossing into Lady cross and picking up the pace back towards Denny Wood, at the last gate on the ride an unfortunate incident occurred which somewhat marred for the rest of us what had otherwise been the epitome of a summer ride, when for some unknown reason there was a coming together (if YT may be allowed to use that phrase) of Chappers and the Saintly One, the resultant physical bonding of men and bikes was quite a sight to behold and left the rest of the crew glad not to have been involved…

With much glee in Harry’s demeanour brought about by the impending proximity to a Mellor or two the last three mile dash back passed without incident…The Happy Cheese did the best it could to make the PPCC feel welcome but missed be a country mile…..Harry was awarded the fez for his daring leap of faith

May 16th The Boot Houghton

Following the arrival of JP, The Clean Dozen were assembled in the car park ready for St Pat's Three Counties Challenge 2006.

Grasping a flimsy HCC leaflet with hyroglyphs and incomprehensible squiggles, the sainted one led off confidently and we climbed a good downland track which, with a small intervening road section, took us up and over Broughton Down, progress only impeded by a Nursey Mikeanical. With a wearisome sense of Deja vu, little huddles clustered around whilst Nursey attended to THAT rear derailleur. I can only assume this pesky piece of kit is a Shimano Buddhist LX, as it has been re-born innumerable times, each time unfortunately more frail than before. Coupled with his mis-shapen Mavic Buddhist rear wheel, which has also attracted dark comment, DF seems on the verge of laying down a Diktat as to minimum standards of bike componentry.

Both Nursey and Mike (who turned up with his very own buddhist wheelset, albeit with a welded on disc rotor for added amusement (calipers to follow next week, stuck on with No More Nails?) should take note. It is EXTREMELY likely that, whilst XTR, XT, LX and Deore will meet the standard, no lower specification than Shimano Jesus will be tolerated! For the avoidance of doubt - coming back from the dead once? - ok - more than that? - straining the limits of belief.

Anyway - the break gave me and Calvin Klein (yes, the cordurouy toting one was out for his first of the year) a much needed wind break (CK sucking in, me more blowin' out).

Down the chalky descent without mishap, unlike Jim's 2005 bloodletting, past Kestrel Farm and a series rutted but rideable tracks saw us arrive in sensible time at Wallop, enough time to actually finish the ride this time, by circling the airfield, starting with a lovely beech lined track which saw the front runners blasing ahead fast n furious. The most furious of all, however, (Chappers) came a proper high speed cropper as the path became very wet and aggressively rutted and sorted the men (including Clare (or MY Clare as the unusually possessive St Pat declared) from the falling boys, who numbered Chappers (literally ate dirt), Skinny (dead leg and feeling very sorry for himself) and Duke of Edinburgh (three time faller, the last with his titled mate, Duke of Cadnam in attendance).

After 15/16 hard miles CK began to weaken, the field beginning to string out. The final 3 mile downland track race back to the Pub was unusual for featuring a head to head by the two big boys of the field. Belying their top weights, Bertie and YT raced neck and neck, double chin and double chin to a photo finish, witnessed by B & Q's longest standing customer who had turned up for the supping (sipping).

St Pat (back before midnight?-well done Sir!) ran CK close, but the Fez went to the Goadsby Goer.

May 9th Lymington .. for a Seaside Oddity...

On a warm and balmy Tuesday evening, the usual suspects were attracted to the sea side for a coastal oddity, lead by DD from Lymington. .....Unusually for a DD ride, the route did not involve a host of unidentifiable paths and glue like mud, but instead these were replaced by shingle for which the development of bike skiing techniques were a must.

The assembled crew, spread around Lymington to avoid the parking charges, set forth over Lymington Marshes with the group almost immediately set asunder by yet another mikehanical, an event which is becoming a regular feature of Tuesday nights. Following the removal of surplus and clearly unnecessary spokes, Mike was able to venture forward once again with a banana shaped wheel to rival Nursey's with the expectation of complete wheel collapse at any moment, adding to the excitement of the ride.

A good pace was set along the eroded cliff path towards Keyhaven and Barton with the path on occasion perilously close to the water's edge with general all round disappointment that DD did not manage to combine his two loves of cycling and water sports in the normal way.

On arrival at Barton, Harry Monk, who also features looking most attractive in this week's Daily Echo, announced that he would buy us all a Stella but like the previous ice cream promises, this proved to be a passing whimsey due to lack of funds.

Returning at pace along the shingle banks, the group was split between the high and low bank options and with reassembly at the bridge, saw us short of HMQC, not in his usual place towards the front of the bunch. A short while later having recovered from the only fall of the evening, he appeared with half a BMX over one shoulder for no apparent reason.

The route back accros the marshes saw most contrive to take the dry route whilst committing Tom, Harry and Tom's mate Phil, who would be better named Dick, for the sake of this tale, to the salt water river plunge to the mirth of this now assembled on higher ground. Harry attacked this with his usual speed and style and emerged the other side somewhat wetter, but intact. Tom cruised through barely breaking a wake, whilst Phil for some unaccountable reason chose to stop mid river and sink up to his knees. Fortunately, a wayside hose enabled removal of the salt water fairly promptly after the rust enducing event.

A further rapid pace saw a return to the pub where Harry claimed the only fall, Nursery the only puncture and HMQC won 'man of the ride' despite St Pat's best efforts of bribing the whole team with fruit pastilles throughout the ride.

Carla was sadly missed, watching Watford being thrashed 2-0 by Crystal Palace, and saw his own lead slashed in the mileage table with 21 miles being recorded on the night.

May 2nd 2006 Wheetsheaf Braishfield Return of the Beast ......grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

Well, just to conjure up an image of YT at the moment of this creative inception, I is just out of the shower and for some reason the muse is in attendance...

As has been mentioned before YT was due to have penned a caustic missive some three weeks ago when a certain PPCC member took it upon himself to drag the entire possee through some hellish ride north of the Meon Circle, my spleen overfloweth with sanguinosity, anyway let's stick to the job in hand and the ride this evening (never fear there was adequate scope (!) for spleen venting....read on....

Unlikely as it would seem to the casual reader Da Fuhrer chose the wrong form of transport for his invasion of Braishfield, zis vill not happen again!!

There were more pre-ride incidents in the form of DD picking up 3 points and a £60 fine for attempting the land speed record in a quiet country lane not far from Da F's bunker (this piece of confidential info being liberally blasted around to all attendees by Gomez), even though the aforementioned lawbreaker was for once not in a hurry to get to the start venue as he had plenty of time...still it was a common incident that could have occurred to any member of the PPCC going by the nom de plume of 'Dangerous Dave'!!

The attendance was very impressive with a start line up of 14, including such unlikely 'bonus balls' as Wozza and The Hoff himself, the latter resplendent with his new Steed and virgin SPD combo....more of this later...

With Carla starting off as RM there was only ever going to be one sort of terrain that the unlucky crew was going to encounter....yes , you guessed it....mud, f**king glorious mud...not only gloopy smelly mud but mud which stretched the full width of the trail such that the unsuspecting rider had to hang off the barbed wire boundary fence just to stay alive, still the very thought of the Hoff's new steed having a proper baptism kept everyone else from giving way to their dark thoughts of there being a positive side to the enactment of giving Carla a proper send off as his longship was torched and set adrift on a sea of mud on it's way to Valhalla via Davy Jones' mud locker.

At the end of this particularly muddy section Carla confessed that this had been the only section that he had not actually scoped (hello!) and that he guaranteed that the rest of it would all be rideable(!!) With Harry starting to unsheath his concealed commando knife, this was definitely the right thing for Carla to say at that time, especially on top of his major faux pas in issuing Harry with a DPM camouflaged Camelbak fresh from the quartermaster's stores.

Anyway back to the ride and fortunately at this juncture St Pat took the helm (allegedly only a silver medalist at the recent Monmouth hillock riding championships where Gold was taken both by Granddad and Nursey) and got the crew back onto an even keel by taking us up a huge hill to the top of Farley Mount, at which point we lost the height we had spent so much energy gaining by a quick descent via the Steppes back to the valley floor, then another road Climb back up to where we had just been - oh my aching quads.

With a deft sleight of handle bar Nursey took charge and we soon entered the twig zone but not before young Clare revealed her hidden strengths by snapping a fully mature oak tree with her bare hands - Wonder Woman watch out! The following single track was best attempted with a half hour gap between riders just to please Harry and Wozza and Cinders and YT and the Duke and a few others....

Oh, nearly forgot, Bertie had another reason for not thanking Carla for the earlier gloopy section, as the Wooster took quite a tumble and nearly, as rumour has it, snapped his banjo string, fortunately we all know that many a fine tune can still be rent from an old fiddle!!

Back to the plot and via a local Klu Klux Kub meeting we were soon streaming up hill again through the woods before crossing the road at the top of F Mount and disappearing in a southerly direction down the final off-road section before the road sprint home. It was on this section of off road that Clare managed to empty her hand bag all over the trail causing St Pat to fall into his full guardian angel role and help our damsel in distress. At the same time and only a few hundred yards on, our other damsel also came a cropper as The Hoff (resplendent in his own Operation 'Desert Storm' Camel bak) fell off the trail and landed in an unceremonious heap, how Schwartzkopf would have wept!!

With the gang re-grouped the pack split into the usual factions with the EFG heading for the early drink and the tail-end-charlies limping over the finish line a nano-second later.

In the pub it was the usual scene with much mirth and bonhomie liberally sprinkled with shouts such as 'where is that old scroat Sipper'; 'anyone remember that bloke Scampi?'and 'DD do you want a lift next week?'.......

Well the Hoff was clear winner of the Fez and vowed he would be out again next week, when we will be riding from somewhere in Lymington, DD to confirm shortly, I think it was the Royal something?

Auf wiedersehen pets

April 25th 2006 Watership Down....Executive Summary.....Eleven geezers and one Doris set forth clean and returned as the Dirty Dozen. One faller, one mechanical, one ugly Northern monkey, twenty stupid miles, MoTR = RM.

Browers’ Version..............A balmy Tuesday afternoon saw the usual suspects heading north up the A34 into the gloom and mist whilst the car temperature gauges plummeted. All this to facilitate an idea for a ‘thumping good ride’ which Nursey had hatched earlier in the year, but had to be reconvened to accommodate his dodgy knee. Feature appearances from less regulars included Gibbo (who arrived bushy tailed but tired early), and of course (this being one of the northernmost rides of the year) Warren put in a guest appearance.

RM Nursey, equipped with a very dodgy route plan - which appeared to be the scribblings of a four year old - led forth; and after a short road section this saw us burrowing through the woods in search of the Berkshire hills.

Mountain bikers on a Tuesday evening are obviously an unusual phenomenon in Berkshire, and both the first horse rider and pedestrian we passed appeared to find our activity hilarious, and clearly they were much more aware just how hilly the next twenty miles were to be.

Whilst billed as Watership Down, the ride was mostly up, which took a toll on both riders and bikes, with Nursey suffering a derailleur failure resulting in the conversion of his bike to single speed courtesy of Wozza’s mechanical skills. After a ‘hop across the road’ section, another long hill ensued, at the top of which a number of riders enquired whether we were yet near the pub, only for the Routemeister to announce that we were nearly half way, resulting in a number of unhappy bunnies; although any relationship between the route taken and that shown on Nursey’s map still remains pure conjecture…..

A brief section of footpath saw us redirected by a farmer (the bridleway of course went up hill) and, after a visit to Hannington, a further climb up Laddle Hill saw the bright eyes of our bike lights spread across the hillside as legs tired, and the desire to see the pub once again increased.

Following some sterling encouragement by the RM, of the ‘I think I might know where we are now’ type, the group was rejuvenated for the last few miles home, which may even have included the odd downhill section. St Pat won the race back to the pub by a whisker.

Back at the pub - a great success, seats for everyone and a ‘Cyclists Welcome’ sign on the door. An impressive range of beers saw Carla drinking brown sludge, Da Fuhrer a pint a deep green coloured mouthwash and Chappers and YT more prudently sticking with vin rouge de maison.

So pleased were we to have made it back to the pub, despite it being twenty miles and in spite of Nursey’s truly dodgy map, that the RM was almost unanimously voted Man of the Ride which, with his mechanical failure and leadership duties, saw an almost maximum points score for a normal evening. Gibbo coughed to the only fall, and the convoy headed southwards at an acceptable hour.

Next week’s ride St Pat will be prevailed up to lead something similar, although hopefully shorter than the previous Army Air Museum at Middle Wallop Adventure....Roger and out

April 18th 2006 Hare & Hounds Sway...Ten assembled for a ride from Steve's local.

In keeping with HMQC's pointed observation before hand that the ride was far enough West to require chaps (not Chappers, who turned up even though not required) and a 5 gallon hat (could have been put to good use last week turned upside down as a receptacle for all that drip), Bertie turned up on his Horse with no name (all hum the 70s hit ..."I went through the dessert on a horse with no name...etc,(trifle annoying that tune, I know)) from which even the decals seem to have finally worn off, along with half the kit. Whilst Bertie bides his time for the right moment to take the new bike plunge......"I know you're waiting for a kitchen, my sweet, but how about me buying a 2 grand bike in the meantime....?", the leper bike goes from strength to strength. Last week a freehub or 2, this week a chain and general fettling once every mile or so.

Gomez managed to arrive late to RM his own ride, did a silly 300 yard circle around the pub, lost 4 back markers and Metal Mickey to a faulty chain. Very impressive. 20 minutes later we decided to try again. Generally good riding over Forest tracks and roads, with one or 2 off piste excursions and a water splash, saw 19 miles covered without falls, punctures or other mechanicals, visiting Brockhurst on the way round.

Claire rode SPD's for the first time and claimed a clean round, apart for the "non-rideable" bits where everyone (except the heroically stupid (me) who tried to ride through the sludgy ditches laid on by Gormers in a trackless trudge across some unknown enclosure) walked.

On the way through we disturbed the Duke of Welly, who promised to turn up at the pub afterwards and did so - making it a 3 Duke evening along with his titled chums from Edinburgh and 'Nam.

Voting for MOTR saw 2 for Claire, 1 for Duke of Ed and Gomez, 2 for Coughin'/Coffin Billy and a 3 strike for Mike on the Leper Bike. DD's shameful attempt to pleasure himself with a "self-vote" is perhaps best passed over without further comment...........On the wildlife front, we saw red deer and no less than 4 albino fallows, including a magnificent white stag close to the road spotted by Gomez.

April 11th 2006 Hinton Arms Cheriton

April 4th 2006 Forest Inn close to the Forest of the Zombies

In retrospect this lovely spring evening opened with that peaceful calm which in films almost always presages eventual carnage in the last reel after the deceptively tranquil pastoral entree.

Deerleap Inclosure was bathed in the glow of clear evening sunshine as the 14 strong group assembled, dressed, fettled and did all the usual pre-ride tasks, including the obligatory "Changing of the Tube" by Cinders. It's certainly as regular as "Changing of the Guard" but only time will tell whether it will grow to have the same grip on the Japanese tourist psyche. At the moment, interest is limited, perhaps owing to a shameful lack of promotion by the English Tourist Board. VD pronounced himself not quite Hors de Combat, but definitely "Shoulder of Mutton" (as DF put it) and played beseeching on Bertie's better nature to get his steed off the car.

But why the Police car lurking under the tree, an incongruity in this leisurely sylvan scene?

We set off across the open heath into the setting sun across the railway, Matley Holms and down to Beaulieu Road Station along tracks which all concurred were in remarkably rideable condition. A regroup saw all 14 head into Denny Lodge Inclosure and Woodfidley, meeting the first of the mud. Tom had proved he wasn't "the only one" in his particular (West Sussex) village by bringing along his young neighbour, Mike who announced nervously that it was his "first time".....in SPDs. Entering the treacherous boggy Woodfidley passage approach to the railway bridge, young Mike decided to ignore the wise old heads clambering around a particularly wide, deep and sticky puddle and decided to show us how it was done, launching straight into the clag. Comedy moment ensued as he came to a complete halt in the middle but saved himself with a top quality trackstand which drew admiring glances. Poised with immaculate balance, all he now had to do to escape a complete ducking was to unclip and wade to dry land. Although most of us now come apart from our bikes intuitively when necessary, often without even thinking, we can all remember those early moments of crisis when the harder you tried the more tightly you seemed clipped. The confidence ebbed from Mike's face frame by frame and in the slowest of slow motion he went to meet his puddle destiny. As we already have one Mike the Pike in the PPCC, young man will have to be Mike the Tuck. Most were laughing too much to notice the over the handlebars routine which apparently followed as he tried to set off and regain some dignity.

SS RM led us through some good singletrack to Pig Bush car park, where, strangely, another police car sat with engine running. There was nothing to suggest they were officially Dog Patrol. Across Foxhunting and Crabhat to Dibden Inclosure and DF took the reins from SS for a really top quality bit of hidden single track which he has obviously previously felt to be far too good to share.

And then... homewards, with a quick detour into a farmyard and a final unrideable boggy section which probably cost SS a MOTR vote despite an otherwise first rate 15 mile route.

Approaching the car park something was not right. Strange squealing noises rent the air and sinister "eyes" of red, green and blue peered malevolently from the edge of the trees. As we passed, the aggressive jeers of Yoof met our ears, engines gunned and with a screech of handbrake turn, we realised that we had interrupted the local gathering of Mensa. The car park cleared and we changed in the settling dust.

Off to the Forest Inn and it was standing room only, crammed with Alice Lisle type Chavs, who were obviously there for the Quiz, although seemed to be struggling with the questions. Disappointed, we headed offf to the New Forest Hotel to find the same scene - packed to the gunwhales with mutant teens with caps, a fag in each hand and not an "H" or a proper vowel sound between them. Sample dialogue: "'Ere, you be'ind the bar. You got any of them Burberry Breezers?" It all felt a bit Village of the Zombies.Those who could leave the Forest left thanking their chosen deity, those who had nowhere else to go presumably locked their doors and took the shotgun out of the cabinet for the night.

Mike the Tuck MOTR.

March 28th 2006....Botley Square....... A tale of mud, mud, more mud, roots, mud, rivers and mud ...

A somewhat warmer Tuesday evening saw eleven committed souls assemble in Botley Square for Harry Monk’s Mud & Obstacle Extravaganza.

With normal ride scoping and planning abandoned, Paul indicated that he could provide a series of loops which would move us ever further from Botley – but that hopefully Bertie would then be able to use his local knowledge to get us back to the start.

Some surprising absentees, including Da Fuhrer and Nursey, enabled some major shuffling of the mileage schedule, which apparently will put the elder Walker into a (no doubt temporary) lead.

It quickly became apparent that HM had sadly confused his ride leadership role with his previous career, and a Marine-style obstacle course which involved lifting the bikes over various timber hazards formed the early part of the ride.

Speeding down an unobstructed woodland track, a large bang resounded throughout the area, resulting in a variety of responses. Those at the front of the pack assumed they were being shot at as a further Marine training exercise, and immediately took cover, whilst those in the middle of the pack assumed that it was the last of the group coming through the gate at the head of the track and that the noise was simply the gate banging shut. The more observant recalled that it was a stile we had come through rather than a gate, and it eventually became apparent that the enormous explosion had been JP (or at least his tyre) exploding, resulting in a walk back to base; but, more importantly, the loss of the navigator to get us home following Harry’s antics.

The mechanical highlight of the evening was provided by Rob, who has clearly found that good living agrees with him and must have added some substantive weight to his stature to achieve the clean snapping of his aluminium seat pin at the head of the frame. A hastily reassembled bike with a much lower saddle saw his knees round his ears and burning thighs by the end of the evening. Chappers was eventually awarded Man of the Ride for such sterling efforts.

Further looping saw the same tracks revisited more than once, together with some rapid route-finding discussion, to which VD contributed; and various riverside excursions along the edge of the Hamble. On regaining the road, we discovered that we had lost Turbo and St Pat and Harry returned to collect him, with puncture; and VD (feeling that he was also missing out) felt the need to re-inflate at the same time. Following some dubious discussion on the route home from this stage, the back of the Air Traffic Control and the National Trust Obstacle Path were decided upon. Until this stage, the original eleven (and subsequent ten) riders had remained mostly upright, but on entering the mixed quagmire, timber steps, swamp planks and bridges purporting to be a path through the National Trust woods, no fewer than fourteen falls were recorded, including a near-miss attempt at a river entry by DD and an almost-complete 1:2 disappearing bank slide by St Pat, who led the fall count with three ‘offs’ in a 400 yard section.
Après ride entertainment included an assembled spectator group to watch us change in Botley car park, followed by a disappointing walk past the attractive Bell Inn and the Punjabi Indian restaurant to some dodgy smoke-filled pub with a disco/quiz understood to be Harry’s local.

March 21st 2006 New Forest Inn Emery Down -----Song of the Week :
Round
Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning
On an ever-spinning reel
Like a bike down a mountain
Or a inner tyre balloon
Like a carousel that’s turning
Running rings around the moon
Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes of it’s face
And the world is like an (oak)apple
Whirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of Der Fuhrer's mind

Like a tunnel that you follow
To a tunnel of it’s own
Down a hollow to Bolderwood
Where the sun has never shone
Like a gate that keeps revolving
In a half-forgotten dream
Or the ripples from a pebble
Someone tosses in a stream
Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes of it’s face
And the world is like an (oak)apple
Whirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of Der Fuhrer's mind

Keys that jingle in Rob/Harry's pocket
Helmets that dangle on Rob's head
Why did summer go so quickly?
Was it something that you said?
Pluggers struggle along a ride
And leave their wheelprints in the shite
Is the sound of distant moaning
Just a Mini in the night?
Punctures happening on a bridleway
And the fragment of a song
Half-remembered names and faces
But to whom do they belong?
When you knew that it was over
You were suddenly aware
That the autumn leaves were turning
And it was trousers for all but Clare

Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning
On an ever-spinning reel
As the images unwind
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of Der Fuhrer's mind

Nine assembled, including HMQC who was again "ready to ride" at 18.45, causing DF to grind his teeth and patiently explain - once more, with feeling - that the verrey light went up at 18.30. In an earlier age private soldiers were shot for failing to leave the trenches at the appointed time. ....They call it progress.

Talking of Progress, he was present and correct....Mini seems to be in transition of some kind, sporting shorts a la Harry, but also the signature red football sox beloved of Jim.We then had a 5 minute variation on Rob's "where's my keys" routine, this time "Hunt the helmet". Apparently discovered in the nether regions of his lycra. Question: How can you do 6.3 miles of track but 18.9 miles of riding? Answers on a Postcard (or the back of an OS Explorer OL11 - unless you have the vinyl finished version, of course).

Tarmac, flat track, Tarmac, flat track, Tarmac, flat track, Tarmac, flat track, Tarmac, flat track, Bolderwood enclosure, Tarmac, flat track, Tarmac, flat track, Tarmac, flat track, Tarmac, flat track, Tarmac, flat track, Bolderwood enclosure, Tarmac, flat track, Tarmac, flat track, Tarmac, flat track, Tarmac, flat track, Tarmac, flat track.....................................oooooooh!

Here's a variation... Twice around the Mulberry Bush (aka The Knightwood Oak) followed by map consultation. A35 Tarmac, flat track, Tarmac, flat track, Tarmac, flat track, Tarmac, flat track, Tarmac, flat track, COMPLETE UNSCOPED UNRIDEABLE MUDDY CARNAGE, Tarmac, flat track, Tarmac, flat track, Tarmac, flat track, Tarmac, flat track, Tarmac, flat track, Bolderwood enclosure

Just before we arrived at a particular gate for the 3rd time Mini had a combination puncture/cramp in toe attack which saw him hop around his frame for two minutes in some weird fertility dance - let's hope he never achieves fertility!

Tarmac, flat track, Tarmac, flat track, Tarmac, flat track, Tarmac, flat track, Tarmac, flat track, Bolderwood enclosure, tarmac and we were back at the pub......A 3-way tie between Mini, Rob and DF was settled by a cunning amalgam of Slapco*k and Paper Scissors Rock, called Paper Scissors Co*k, where Rob's scissors vanquished Mini's paper and, tear inducingly, DF's co*k.

The eye of the hungry nine was much taken with the menu's more piscatorial offerings, which included "Pan Sheared Tuna - £8.95". Personally, my taste in hairy seafood begins and ends with Bearded Clam, but maybe the more culinarily adventurous might be persuaded next time to try Tuna a la brasilienne?

March 14th 2006 Thomas Lord West Meon

A very short one this week…..There was six of us, it was one of Carla’s rides (need I say more), there were some hills, some mud, some stupidly unrideable bits, Bertie fell off and we had some nice beer and snacks in an empty pub! Oh, I nearly forgot – The Duke was out and had a slippery granny!

March 7th 2006 Turfcutter East Boldre.......... Welcome to this week's Velodrama....

Executive Version------It was cold, wet and foggy in the New Forest, three idiots fell off, and we had a meal in the pub afterwards.

Browsers' Version-----A cold, damp and foggy evening saw eleven of the PPCC assemble at "The Turfcutters" in East Boldre. They included DD, GD and VD, DF and TF, WM,RM, MM and SP. Gormers and Cinders were also in attendance and are hoping to have their own acronyms soon... (suggestions on a postcard, please).....Ably let by Skinny, the route (which was scoped in detail on Sunday) was hastily re-worked as the attractive-looking Forest now turned into a cross between the Somme and the Meon Valley following a full day of rain; coupled with the need to be back at the pub before the kitchen closed at 8.45.

Carla is to be commended for his trip so far west despite the appalling weather conditions; his fellow Easterners being no-shows, HM apparently with a sore bottom, although rumour has it that he is actually scared of the fog (as opposed to Carla, who is scared of the dog).

The early part of the route saw mainly firm tracks and roads, with the Routemeister introducing a new concept to a PPCC ride, the sprint start, as opposed to the sprint finish. Following the instigations of appropriate disciplinary procedures involving a serious scolding by DD, the stretched and split peleton re-grouped and a steadier pace was re-established. A further mix of tarmac tracks and quagmire brought the group to Bucklers Hard for the highlight of the evening, the Board Walk River Ride.

The weather conditions saw the boards especially slippery, which quickly saw the toppling of the hares amongst the pack, including the easily unbalanced St Pat, the ever-unreliable Dangerous Dave and (surprisingly) Da Fuhrer, who was left wearing an interesting mud skunk stripe for the rest of the evening.

Further expanses of mud and rut (introduced to the ride purely to make VD feel at home) led to some indecision on reaching the next junction, with Routemeister Skinny suggesting that the road route would ensure we were back to the pub before the kitchen closed and Da Fuhrer confident that the alternative tracked route would still allow sufficient time.A brief input from Dangerous Dave suggesting that he knew a good route from here, which involved the mention of more than one river, ensured a firm commitment to the road route home, and the final sprint saw St Pat's and Nursey's esteemed hill climbing expertise see off the other contenders on the hill out of Beaulieu.

Conviviality in the pub après-ride included a selection of good food, and St Pat narrowly winning the Man of the Ride Award for his unselfish distribution of jelly babies throughout the evening. When the bill arrived, Mick kindly proffered his credit card for settlement, not having been issued with any pocket money by Mrs Mick for the evening.

For anybody needing a new bike, his card number is 8737 9825 1067 1445 and the expiry date is 09/07. Mike then, too lazy to attend the bar to deal with the PIN machine, was good enough to shout his PIN number across the bar (007), rather defeating the bank's best security intentions.

For the security questions, Mick's mother's maiden name was Honeykins (at least, that's what Mick recalls his father calling her) and Mick was apparently born yesterday.Mick was also good enough to share some of his favourite jokes, one of which was so profoundly disgusting that Cinders found himself unable to finish his cider

Feb 28th 2006 Queen Inn Winchester....Yet another ‘Winter’s Tale’…..

Following on from the decent being shown in previous weeks to those of the kind-hearted nature who were merely a tad past the bewitching pedal off time; it was somewhat comical for YT to receive a voicemail from Carla out-lining the fact that he would be late….and with no excuse whatsoever!!!!! Still never mind ---eh!

Right then with Nursey at the helm and a nicely swollen posse of 12 riders we eventually sped forth on an initial urban assault of the backstreets and byways of Winchester, taking in the Itchen towpath and some nice road climb up and over the old Spitfire bridge before unloading onto the new cemetery circuit up toward the Dome at the Percy Hobbs roundabout.

With all present and correct we took each others’ lives in our hands and played dodge ball with the traffic on the A31 and the A272 before our erstwhile RM took us off-road and into a light dusting of snow towards the back of Twyford – awesome track followed by a wicked down hill before a sideways glance up to The Duke’s final resting place (aka ‘Two ribs’ Gulley)!

With Carla taking pole, and Nursey riding in his wake the crew hit the trail again and sped down towards the throbbing centre of Twyford, with YT and St Pat shedding a whimsical tear as they passed the old stomping ground they were pleased to see that some habits are hard to break and that even at 7.30 pm The Duke’s PC was still on with the blue glow from his window a beacon to any would-be computer thief!!!!!

A swift right at Twyford Church took us over the river again and across the meadow to Shawford; past the Bridge pub down Blood Lane and up the hill to Compton (twice in two weeks, Compton should be so lucky, lucky, lucky!!) Under the motorway to the echoing howls of Harry’s new call-sign “Loooooooo……zerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr” and then over the main road to gather again before the descent to Silkstead. Somewhere on one of the best downhills Clare took a tumble and with the willing attention of a First-aid minded St Pat, she survived what was described as a fairly full head plant with just some skinned knees and a dented helmet! What a trooper…...

When the tarmac was regained the motley crew headed back towards Hursley before Nursey took us all in a way we had never been taken before…….yes up the back passage…….from Silkstead to Olivers Battery, by this time our damsel-in distress was seeking solace at the back of the pack and retelling her tales of woe to an eager-eared Bertie, a quick word from St P saw them regain their pace as the eventual sprint for home commenced over the Common at Badger Farm, with Nursey’s illumination fading YT’s main beam to the rescue before we dismounted and carried our steeds over the rail way, where is DD when you need a boost?

A final pelt along St Cross Road and we were back to base for a very convivial truncated session at The Queen Inn, where a deserving St Pat wrestled (hypothetically) the Fez away from Nursey in what was close fought contest.

Feb 21st 2006 Coach & Horses Compton..."Dr Dre Severe ride Warning

Tomorrow you will be mostly be needing big balls, legs of steel, neoprene and a sense of humour. You are are now about to witness the strength of street knowledge. Word!

Fair Warning given HM"Ice"Qcube.

Big turn-out east of Chalton, showing that even the Forest Folk can use an A-Z for "Street Knowledge", although Grandad's GPS does not apparently go "east of the Urals". Twelve assembled, including the unexpected Jimbo and Philbo, together with new boy Tom, the b*stard lovechild of John McCririck, driving a white van, riding a fluorescent yellow rigid steed (look Ma, no forks!) with cantilevered brakes and sporting the tell-tale Young & Butt hairstyle popularised by John Butt, Garry Cherrett, Matt Small, Jerry Vigus, David McGougan et al. Is it possible to get a job at Y&B fully thatched? Grandad, by the way very distressed to find that he wasn't "the only building surveyor in the village".

Last to arrive again were DF and Pike, who compounded their offence by disappearing into "The Bangbus" with Grandad for an eternity, while everyone else tried to keep warm. The tale is yet to unfold but, Dear Reader, you may care to note that this was not the last appearance of "the white stuff." One last rock of the suspension, a groan of quick release and the boys emerged - ready for a (nother) ride.

Yo! We were the PPCC Pusse and we were heading Straight Outta Compton. For those wishing musical accompaniment, follow the link. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00006JJ51/103-9809878-8979830?v=glance&n=5174

Heading North on road towards South Harting, we took the bridleway at Hucksholt Farm and then headed the long uphill to the South Downs Way as the North Easterly wind began to blow and the first flakes of snow began to fall. A few unavoidable puddles later and everyone was keen to keen to keep moving to aid circulation.

The SDW was "all rideable" although every revolution of the front wheel involved two of the rear as we were Slip Slidin' Away. Somewhere on the way up to Harting Down the Duke lost contact due to chronic chainsuck. The Qcube did the saintly retrieval whilst the rest admired the bright lights of South Harting and points north east and west and then we were off down a fast grassy slope before a small rise where the fun began - special order for DF was a 200 yard downhill on flinty marly chalk, mashed into an off white paste for maximised sub-optimal traction, known as Cross Dykes. Plenty of bending out of shape, but everyone miraculously stayed upright and it was obviously far too parky for the Angry Lesbians to make an appearance - maybe next time?

Skirting Beacon Hill, the off road action continued until a very quick downhill tarmac descent to The Royal Oak at Hooksway, where the fun and games started in earnest. This track had it all - mud, gloop and ruts within ruts within ruts. St P, who had lost his lights after about 5 minutes into the ride was forced to share my searchligh....... when I remembered he was there. On this particular track he was hard to forget as he yelped his way from one end to the other with a back end that had a mind of its own. And then....the piece de resistance. Just when the mud eased and way looked clear, we met the water feature to eclipse all water features. Having been warned by the Qcube that resistance was futile and that freestyle was the stroke of choice, Phil thought he knew better and tried to walk the plank that ran beside the barbed wire fence, resulting in the evening's only fall. Jim chose a less than elegant butterfly, lost his stroke and had a refusal at the water jump, leaving the OAP doing HIP HOP. Thunderbird 4, riderless, must be weeping in its garage at having missed out.

100 watery yards later, we assembled for the final road stretch through East Marden and a last high speed bridleway rampage, HMQC somewhat slowed by a flattie, arriving back at the Coach and Horses. Looking at the sweating bedraggled troops HM "Ice" Qcube pronounced himself well satisfied with his evening's work. The fresh faced young posse that he had led out had returned transformed - One Dr Dre(eeep), a couple of Ice Cubes, many Muddaf*kkas but one and all were veritable ODBs.

Two drinks, two snacks, HMQC voted MOTR and then we were off, with Harry's dulcet tones carrying across the Downs in one final serenade:

"Boy you can't f*ck with me
So when I'm in your neighborhood, you better duck
Coz (HM)Ice Cube is crazy as f*ck
As I leave, believe I'm stompin
but when I come back, boy, I'm comin straight outta Compton"

Feb 14th 2006 Malthouse Timsbury ....Air today, gone tomorrow…..

Tuesday evening saw nine reprobates, unable to find a suitable lady to charm, assembled in Timsbury for an adventure in the Hampshire hills. Surprisingly, despite last week’s ticking off, Da Fuhrer himself had not even arrived by the bewitching hour at 6.30, and when he eventually rolled up avec Bertie in Les Deux Chevaux and re-assembled his dismantled bike, he was eventually ready to go at about 7.15pm (...never let the truth spoil a good story!!)

Having had little notice (the day before) that he was to lead the ride, St Pat’s scant knowledge of the area, coupled with the recent heavy rains, ensured that the group were quickly and heavily splattered with particularly pungent-smelling mud from the tracks around Manor Farm, with the later result that the pub emptied very quickly of romantic couples following our arrival at the end of the ride.

Our first foray off-road saw the bikes so heavily immersed in mud that many of them became impossible to push, let alone ride; but following a short walk we were able to re-mount and cover some varied tracks and lanes towards Stockbridge and King's Somborne.It was during this stage of the ride that Carla again attracted canine interest, and the back of the pack was apparently threatened by a ravaging beast of an animal that was even more frightening than in last week’s encounter. More objective observers could not decide whether the said animal was a Shitsu or a Pekinese.

Having regained the road in King's Somborne, the furthest point from the pub, things began to unravel. On the track approaching the road, Nursey’s derailleur jammed into his back spokes but, following some careful modification using brute force and ignorance, the wheels were once again able to turn. At virtually the same time, Bertie suffered a rear softie, which (despite attempts to re-inflate) very quickly became flat again, (albeit only at the bottom..!) Immediately upon gaining the road, Tony also discovered he had a rear puncture and as a consequence we stopped to repair initially two - and eventually three - punctures as, having mended the first two, I discovered that my rear tyre was also flat; and progress was impaired whilst a further repair was carried out.

"Allegedly" on a ride two weeks ago Goosey, equipped with a compressed air cartridge pump, was rather protective of his cartridges and suffered significant subsequent ribbing as a result. Unconfirmed reports suggest that this reticence was very much allied to the fact that the group rode off before he had completed repairing his puncture, and consequently he was more than a little peeved when one of the leading exponents of this abandonment subsequently punctured shortly thereafter. Despite exhaustive enquiries, no further details have been forthcoming…….. Clearly however the ensuing ribbing has had significant effect, as Gormers unselfishly donated three full cartridges to speed up the necessary repairs and enable the group to make pr