11th September 2007 Royal Oak Hilltop

A quick missive for a quick ride.

The assembled 9 took off at pace (average 12.5 mph for the first 9 until the computer failed) and the pace got even quicker once Scampi was quickly lost - off the front if you can believe it, everyone else riding off road and having stopped to laugh at Faceplant Phil, The Duke o'Dirt, who had sunk in the mire, Scampi the Scarlet Pimple sailed by on the gravel and was gone, only to show up 5 minutes after the remaining 8 had pounded an estimated 18 miles at breakneck speed.

Turbo worked out very quickly that, with the Samuel-Camps "Anchor" thrown overboard, he was going to have to work very hard to live with the EFG and EFG wannabes. And lo it came to pass, as Tarmac Tommy led his off-road posse through some of the gnarliest macadam surfaced tracks you have ever seen. Some of these tracks didn't even have cats eyes or white lines! Truly radical Dood! It was a miracle that no-one came a cropper.

Bertie won the race for home at the end of the 4 mile sprint (although Skinny aka Tarmac Tommy finished first in his dreams).

MOTR was a complicated affair, A slapcock showdown between Scamps and the Dirtbox Duke, won by the Pimple, was then declared invalid by HRH, who had discovered a hanging chad. The resultant re-run was won by "Neither of the Fat Chaps" who garnered 5 from 9 votes.

Cheesy chips were the comestible of the hour and were very cheesy indeed, except the Duke of Difficulty's portion; "An extra portion of your cheesy chips my good man...... but hold the cheese".

4th September 2007 Chalton Missive Subject to Contract

Parties

YT, DF, Carla, Payter, Robin the Wonderdog, Helmut, the Duke, Duncan, the Vulture, Maria, Top Deck, Trouser Prowse, Nursey, Bertie and Scampi

Agreed terms

1. Interpretation
1.1 The definitions and rules of interpretation set out in this clause apply to this missive.
Aled Jones: God bothering welsh C-list celebrity, object of fascination for DF, otherwise of no relevance to this missive.

Batman: Friend and companion of Robin the Wonderdog

Bo Peep: Carla.

CDM Regulations: the Construction (Design and Management) Regulations 2007.

Default Interest Rate: four percentage points above the Interest Rate.

Sheep: DF, Nursey and Duncan

1.2 A reference to this missive, except a reference to the date of this missive or to the writing of the missive, is a reference to this heap of b*ll*cks and any deed, licence, consent, approval or other instrument supplemental to it.
1.3 A reference to YT includes a reference to the person supplying the information to him should it turn out to be incorrect.
1.4 In relation to any payment, a reference to a fair proportion is to an arbitrary and inevitably random portion of the total amount payable, determined conclusively (except as to questions of law) by DF.
1.5 Unless the context otherwise requires, a reference to a bicycle is to any bicycle. Not just a Specialised.
1.6 A reference to the end of the term is to the special day when you don’t have to wear school uniform and you get to take games in.
1.7 A working day is any day which is not a Saturday, a Sunday, a bank holiday or a public holiday, nor in the case of Bo Peep, Wednesday Thursday or Friday.
1.8 A reference to laws will be lost on most of you lot, but nevertheless is to all local, national and directly applicable supra-national laws in force for the time being, taking account of any amendment, extension, application or re-enactment and includes any subordinate laws for the time being in force made under them and all orders, notices, codes of practice and guidance made under them.
1.9 Unless the context otherwise requires, where the words include(s) or including are used in this missive, they are deemed to have the words "without limitation" following them.
1.10 A person includes a dog, a corporate or unincorporated body, and in the case of most PPCC members an uncoordinated body.
1.11 Except where a contrary intention appears, a reference to a clause or Schedule, is a reference to a clause of, or Schedule to, this missive and a reference in a Schedule to a paragraph is to a paragraph of that Schedule.
1.12 Clause, Schedule and paragraph headings, poor grammar, failing memory and editorial bias will all inevitably affect the interpretation of this missive.

2. Assemblage
2.1 All parties were duly assembled at the allotted hour at the Car Park at the Red Lion in Chalton, even YT notwithstanding the vast distance from Salisbury to Chalton. All parties that is except Scampi, as ever making a fashionably late appearance in his TV on wheels.
2.2 Departure was delayed as a result of the lovingly and lavishly maintained Nursey-steed suffering a puncture. Major shock to all concerned, but a quick replaced tube and we were on our way

3. En Route
3.1 Short road section out of Chalton, before heading off up a bridlepath toward QE. Batman then took the lead, dragging us up and along some excellent up and down and sideways singlepath through the forest before regrouping on the fire road at the side. Helmut then made a tactical withdrawl, with the Vulture for company, and the remainder plugged on back up the side of QE with a promise from Bo Peep (ha, the irony…) of some more splendid singletrack. Astonishingly, Bo Peep made good on said promise (perhaps subconsciously sensing that some positive karma would come in handy as the ride unfolded) and the switchback was a barrel of laughs, with no serious offs to speak of.
3.2 Then back up to the top of the forest and along to yet more splendid singletrack, with even a …. DROP-OFF… which everyone managed. Even Scampi, who after initially bottling it, took a sustaining gulp of orange squash and realised it was safer to ride down the said bank than scrabble down it like a crab. Or a scampi.
3.3 Worth noting that Batman, Maria and YT also tackled and cleared a proper drop-off, probably the closest thing to riding off the side of Beachy Head that Hampshire has to offer, and everyone hailed them as Gods. (Albeit not in an overly noticeable fashion.)
3.4 More fine tracks ensued, with v limited road excursion, and then what Bo Peep described as “a really good semi-out-of-control flinty descent”. Famous last words from the author of a whole book of famous last words. The descent would have been fine if it hadn’t had a little trick up its wizard’s sleeve. YT was the first to succumb – two separate punctures in the same tyre, and in an unforeseeable turn-up for the books, he had no spare tube or repair kit. The Sheep made a valiant effort to assist as darkness fell, but given the dead tyre was full of slime, twas doomed to failure.
3.5 Turned out that YT was not alone – Trouser Prowser had also fallen to the curse of the flinty descent further along the route (which apparently turned sharply upwards shortly after YT bailed out. Pity..) and much fun was had by all attempting to remove his tyre, which apparently had side walls made out of carbon steel.
3.6 Allegedly the depleted group then reconvened at the top of a particularly long hill to wait for YT and the sheep. A park-ranger type joined them for a chat, and being a good soul he set off down the hill in his 4x4 pick up truck to see what the hold up was. On finding YT and the sheep, the top bloke offered to drive YT and stricken bike back to the pub. Excellent. The Sheep then pedalled off to rejoin the merry throng. Alas, Bo Peep had already led off the merry throng, abandoning his sheep in the dark forest without map or owt.
3.7 Long story short – Sheep head off in completely wrong direction, and after some animated conversations with the feckless shepherd(ess) arrive at the pub half an hour after the merry throng (and 1 ½ hours after the very relaxed and contented Helmut and Vulture). Rude comments ensue, but no physical damage is inflicted on Bo Peep. Apparently revenge is a dish best served cold…
3.8 Rumours that Bo Peep is the spiritual offspring of an unholy coupling between Captain Bligh and Mark Thatcher seem reasonable.

4. Conclusion
4.1 Fairly close voting for MOTR, but Robin the Wonderdog was the winner. By a whisker.
4.2 Total Mileage – 18
4.3 Falls – 2 (Maria and TD)
4.4 Mechanicals - 0
4.5 Punctures – 3 (YT, TP and a Sheep)

28 August 2007 Chile Soberton

Well what a pleasant way to spend an evening, and a ‘summer’s evening’ – one of the few we have seen so far this year, oh yes before I go any further so that we are all warned for next week and the rest of the year – BRING LIGHTS

Despite the clandestine offer of nocturnal comestibles a healthy eleven riders assembled in the Boldie car park eagerly awaiting the off. ‘The Off’ eventually took place at or about 6.50 with Scampi regally omnipotent at the head of the pack…..the first mile was a resounding success…then we left the tarmac and it all went, well not to put too fine a point on it – a bit Pete Tong. Apparently since the weekend scoping many of the landscape marker points had moved and Scamps was a little confused. Anyway I’m sure the Farmer didn’t mind us ‘U turning’ in his yard; crushing his stubbly field under our tyres; I’m sure his neighbour didn’t mind us using his paddock as a site for re-enacting scenes from ‘The Sound of Music’ or padding across his front lawn….so any way with tyres clogged with fresh sheep dung we regained the proposed route!

Scampi gave us all heart by saying that our pastoral diversion had saved us all from a very overgrown nettle-infested track, we were all most grateful for that until our strident RM took us down what must have been the identical twin to the track he had just described! With Granddad’s limbs having barely recuperated from their role as a mosquito banqueting hall from the previous week – at least the nettle rash took his mind off his next bout of malaria!

Oh, I nearly forgot, amongst this week’s crew were two very rarely seen members of the Meon Valley wildlife; one being the lesser-spotted Johnnyus Bellarium (resplendent in his freshly preened glossy black plumage) the other being the even lesser-spotted Dunc’anusii (complete with ruffled and slightly torn leg coverings). Welcome back to both of you – don’t let it be so long a gap ‘til next time!!

Anyway back to the trail…where we certainly carried on with a fair circumnavigation of the some of the best bits of the Mean Valley and by some devilish planning made our way to the top of Old Winchester Hill which brought us back to the site of St Pat’s last dabblings with ‘unpowered human flight’ – on this occasion he allegedly keep his wheels well and truly on terra firma! But still what an exhilarating down hill it was, followed by a speedy grass track section before the light started dimming rapidly……YT can’t remember the next bit as it was all overshadowed by the sprinting along the railway line in the pitch blackness with only four lights between 11 and some of those lamps begrudgingly giving out the residue of a 2006 charge.

Bertie managed to sustain a puncture (as had Duncan before on a road section – new slime liners allegedly on order); Carla went AWOL and ultimately we all reassembled in the Boldie’s car park, quaffed a pint of ale before being invited back to ‘Chez Scampi’ for a slap-up proper sit down Chili supper which had been supperbly cooked by Caroline (Mrs Scamps to the rest of us) complete with all the trimmings and washed down by choice bottles of vino collapso selected from the ‘Caves du Scampi’….Unfortunately young Badger didn’t remain for the meal as he was a little tired (ah) and neither did Nursey – allegedly he had left something on the back burner in Winch that just needed a minor re-heating before he could enjoy the main course!

Feeling replete and mellow we all bid ‘adieu’ to the Chef and staff of Chez Scampi before heading back to civilisation…And finally to Caroline a massive thanks from all of your dinner guests together with an honorary ‘Man of the Ride’ – the best bit being that you didn’t have to wear the Gimp Hat!!

21 August 2007 Sandbanks n Purbecks

More or less assembled at 17.00 to ride, it was probably just as well that there was a delay, as Pat took a call telling him that his dad was unwell and had to leave. I think we are all aware that it didn’t end well and I’m sure we are all thinking of him.

Six of us eventually left on the ferry and headed off into Rempstone Forest for a few sandy/muddy bridleways and fire roads. Al (no liners – wheel or panty) picked up a thorn and we stopped in Mosquito Central to mend it. Some sort of justice was done as they seem to favour old, wrinkly flesh above all else and he was eaten alive – and he had left his trusty anti-hysterical cream behind.

A few miles on and a clicking rear mech on Al’s Felt actually turned out to be something a little more serious – a suspension bolt having worked loose. Another stop, this time in Mosquito West saw Al cop another lot with the result that his legs had welts and wheals rather then individual bites. Not a nice look and, I dare say, not a nice feeling either.

Ably steered by Bulldog up to the ridge a mile east of Corfe, right by my “gravestone”, we then headed east up to the high point. Here, in a re-run of the Pat/Duke difference of a few years ago, my requests for both Golf Course and Old Harry action caused some miffedness on the part of the Bulldog. In the end we got the Godlinstone downhill blast, Monument climb (cleaned without stops by all but Scampi), Old Harry and back to the Ferry, Bertie and VD opting to chaperone the back weary Scamp whilst Grandad, Bulldog and DF romped ahead.

About 15 miles I believe and a reconvene at the Coach and Horses saw Grandad and his Kraut steed make a near MOTR clean sweep – “Fault Felt Flat”, “Slime-less Suspension bustin’ Grandad”.....All 4 Taiwanese Specials made it back without incident – proving that if you want to get to the beach before the Germans……..

14th August 2007 Pub crawl from Winchester

A balmy summer evening of glorious August weather saw all those not on holiday assemble at Dolphin House for a 6.00 early start. Sadly, the altered start time was a mystery to both Tony and Scampi; but (as the evening’s emphasis was on drinking and enjoyment rather than the cycling) nobody, not even The Duke, got disgruntled.

We then set off, being led to The Cricketers at Avington by Nursey on a very pleasant jaunt, with only the dust from the tracks spoiling the summer evening for those at the back. Fortunately the hot weather meant that all the brambles and stinging nettles had died back, leaving wide clear paths to enjoy.

A jovial welcome on our arrival at The Cricketers … and the first round of drinks was provided by the hosts; and we retired to the garden to enjoy the sunshine.

Following an enjoyable pint, we set forth for The Trout through paths splattered with dappled sunlight ... at a leisurely pace .... wondering how life could be this good.

We arrived at The Trout for an even more jovial welcome, the landlord throwing the crisps in for free; and we retired to the garden, where we flirted with a group of gorgeous girls on holiday from Germany. Sadly dragging ourselves away, we made for the Cart & Horses at Kingsworthy, taking a leisurely roundabout route to make the most of an enjoyable evening.

Having enjoyed a selection of real ales and quality wines at the Cart & Horses, we then rolled into Winchester for a final quickie at the Albion and a dust-down of ourselves and the bikes before retiring to the Indian, and Da Fuhrer treated us all to a curry.

For the statistically minded, we rode thirty miles, three of us got sunburn, two got sunstroke, and Scampi averaged 19.6 mph on his new bike............Never let the truth spoil a good story …….. !!!!....Meanwhile, back to reality – next week’s ride is the summer sojourn to the Purbecks:

7th August 2007 Gomez slashes out in the Forest

With Carla chomping on Hash cakes whilst firmly wedged up a Dyke ………the rest of us wanted to hit some ‘big miles’ as this is allegedly now de rigueur when schedule topping potential is paramount…so with a slightly watered down contingent Gomez offered to take us into the deep dark and dank woods for some r&r….

YT arrived as usual in good time for the off having loaded up the Panzer early that morning, even Top Deck was early (never saw that one coming!) shortly followed by a Badger, St Pat, Granddad (the hippest old guy in the PPCC); The Duke – resplendent even when not shrouded in La miste rouge; Nursey (any cooler we’d have to name him Dry Ice) and Gomez who cycled round from his abode.

As the mounting up time approached YT noted that he had forgotten the ruby slippers; St Pat (gallant as ever) offer his own shoes and to ride himself in his deckies; refusing to let ST Pat fall on his own sword before we had even left the car park, Gomez cycled home for his roadies and with a cunning sleight of foot worthy of Bunko Booth fame, Cinderfella went to the ball – thanks to all involved in this shoe swapping incident!

With Gomez truly at the helm we set off on a nice big road loop before attacking the gritty hill up to some Church (no note worthy architectural features [says Nursey]) and into Royden Woods – it should be pointed out that the weather was inclement although keeping up a relatively high temperature making most who were wearing cagoules feel more like a boil in the bag cod fillet in parsley sauce than an elite extreme sports cyclist!

Royden Woods lived up to it’s reputation – it was a Wood called Royden – St Pat had one of the gayest offs of his stuntman career – when unused to Gomez’s roadie cleats he failed to uncleat grabbed for a steadying fence post and proceeded to continue to fall onto the track – fence post still in hand!

A little later on the Duke had a puncture (note – no slime liners – the error of a novice) and even later on than that we got back to the pub where a jolly good time was had by all – Gomez snatched the MoTR from two close runners up Top Deck and St Pat

31 July 2007 Test Valley Tour Vernham Dean

24 July 2007 Lamb lay down in Nomansland

Allegedly Skinny was to lead from The Lamb at Nomansland on Tuesday night, a much-publicised fact despite rumours of the possibility mentioned on Sunday morning that he may not even be able to attend. In a situation broadly parallel to the Tour de France, both yours truly and Da Fuhrer received texts at 5.00 on Tuesday evening that he would be a no-show and that it was up to us to lead. Skinny claimed that a heavy day trudging round the New Forest Show had left him unprepared for a tough evening’s ride, but other sources suggested he may have been in Italy for blood doping….

Skinny having withdrawn, the mantle of RM was passed to Da F, who (with a mix of memory, admirable planning and a laminated map of the New Forest) was able to lead us in the general direction of Godshill and back over a selection of mud, grass, swamp and rivers formerly masquerading as gravel paths.

Carla, still not able to decide on an appropriate new bike, although something with stabilisers has been suggested, was outshone by GD, who appeared resplendent on the new Felt Virtue 2 – previously unmuddied – with the rest of the posse much reduced by holidays and withdrawals on alleged doping charges, consisting of Chappers, Bertie and Nursey.

Despite the conditions under-tyre, some expert leadership by our esteemed leader provided an interesting mix of steep ascents, fast and technical descents, mud and swamp; and the ensuing 16 miles passed relatively free from incident, with two notable exceptions…..

The first of these was Bertie’s attempt to off-piste in order to avoid the accumulation of large puddles which made most of the paths look very similar to canals, endeavouring to convert his wedding tackle in the plural to a single entity by ramming his nether regions upon the cross-bar in an attempt to negotiate the woods. Suitably recovered and following numerous deep breaths, we made progress again.

Following the fast and technical drop-off descent at Godshill, we found ourselves alongside a washed-out section of path, which had been so heavily weathered that it had created a bank of just sufficient width to ride to avoid the alternative of the deep water crossing. Chappers, appreciating that he had not the skill to traverse the bank, opted for the shallow side of the water and consequently was only submersed to the ankles. GD, foolish enough to follow Bertie along the bank, was proceeding well astride the resplendent, shiny, new mount when Bertie (with a loss of confidence) decided to stop. The ensuing braking action saw GD and bike disappear underwater, which was sufficiently deep to leave only the saddle and rear wheel exposed (see attached). As the Elder Statesman’s hands disappeared under the water up to the elbows, he was unable to uncleat and dive for the bank; and (following an uncontrollable set of giggles) was eventually able to rejoin the ride, otherwise unscathed.

On return to the pub, Carl declared there was a further path which he wished to ride which had not been included in the evening's excursion, and therefore set off alone to undertake the Jonny Simpson Descent - a pattern emerging here, I think.

In order to ensure that he didn’t hurt himself, and to check that any gay-offs were reported, Chappers followed along and saw him home safely, whilst the Three Musketeers retired to the pub. The après-ride session was enjoyed alfresco and graced by Gomez and no less than Lovejob (rumours that he was dead are apparently untrue). A hasty production of the schedule by the Treasurer identified John’s level of indebtedness, which made for a very expensive night out as Bertie relieved him of his entire pocket money for the month.

Finally, our correspondent suggests that a chance encounter with Prowsie following his initial appearance last week may be repeated, albeit irregularly, due to family commitments. Whereas the concern of most recruits is whether the riding will be too fast or technical for them, this new member remains confident as to his abilities but has serious concerns as to the inevitability of being saddled with a ridiculous nickname. Firewall-negotiable suggestions by email, please!

17th July 2007 Lucci House Twyford

The Duke of E had organised a "fully scoped" ride and offf we set from Luccam House pretty near the appointed time - no Harry, no Bertie and me quite punctual.

After a brush with the brambles and holly bush in the car park leading to a retarded start, the first climb up towards the golf course saw the men (Maria; Duke; Skinny; Scampi; Da F; Chappers; DD & new boy Prowse) sorted from the boy, who fell even further behind - probably the shock of having to ride my own bike for once.

Over the golf course, along the bridleway parallel to Morestead Road and off toward Cheesefoot, the boy finally hit his stride as we then took the South Downs Way east over Rodfield Lane and over the A272 before the Singing Nunn managed a double pointer, having bent his granny's ring (unfortunate but not apparently illegal) durng a blow-out. (No OAPs were hurt during the making of this ride).

Whilst waiting with Duke and Prowse ( a second Watford fan for the PPCC - statistically significant!) for the rest, VD set off on a solo mission (this time leaving the rest rather than being left like last week) meeting up again on Longwood Dean Lane, whereupon it was about turn and back up the bridleway he had just descended, the Duke trying to force anyone who passed him off the track. More off-road action ensued leaving us somewhere in the wilds of Owslebury having done 13 miles, only about 1/2 mile on tarmac, before a last downhill and a couple of road miles saw us back chez bureau de Phil.

MOTR: Nobody claiming so I'll put my hand up as I have been cheated of my rightful dues of late

10th July 2007 East Mean - Mutiny in the County

YT had to leave it nearly a whole week before the venom had subsided sufficiently to allow the placing of digit to key…..hey, no worries though – still plenty of spleen to vent…….

Albeit one of the most eastern venues for a Tuesday night eight lost soles (shoe joke) made their way to the aptly named East Meon Delta, even Chappers slipped into warp drive to get there almost on time and Harry was lured out with the chance of some Eastern Promise….

Carla resplendent on yet another Test Bike – this time the bike he loves to hate – the omnipresent Spec Stumpie FSR Expert (‘x’ being the unknown quantity, a ‘spurt’ = a drip under pressure!!) Anyway armed with a keen Badger and an ever impressive Duke – off we went.

With complaints almost immediately from HMQC about the amount of tarmac covered and then a monster uphill (on road) with Scamps and Carla bringing up the rear – it was with a last drop of gratitude that Carla led us to a lovely down hill, off road, on chalk. With the ‘white stuff’ at is most deadly Chappers took a nasty tumble whilst at pace in a rut and the poor lad did chafe his elbows a bit – sensible HMQC should have lent him his gay elbow protectors…!

Completing the obstacle-strewn descent all were present apart from Chaffers who Harry said had suffered a ripped tube, after a minor debate HMQC was sent back armed with a fresh tube from Carla, shortly thereafter Carla also set off back up the hill, followed by a nipper on horseback. Whilst the remainder of the depleted crew inc Nursey, Scamps, the Duke, Badger and YT had a well earned rest. Some 15 mins later a call was put out to Carla to see how the puncture fixing was going, the little tease said he did not know as he had only gone half way up so he could enjoy riding down the technical section again, oh and by the way had we seen Chappers and HMQC….strange he should ask this as the two would have had to have ridden past him to get to us!!!?

Any way after almost a half hour stop we set off again the troupe complete. More road for a mile before Carla took Scamps on one side and said the next section of track had not been designed for hard tails and so did he want to take the road option, vigorously nodding Scamps set off, leaving The Duke and Nursey wondering how their hard tails would fare? The answer was as badly as the rest of us on full sussers….the ‘track’ was a washed out, rock strewn, slippery, muddy …..and that was the good bit, we all dismounted voluntarily or otherwise at some point!! (Lucky Scamps)….

Re=emerging eventually on the road a few miles of black stuff brought us to a T-Junction and a well-placed bus-stop. As the posse re-grouped there came a rumbling and a muttering amongst the troops, HMQC asked how much further there was to go as it was already 8.15 and the Mellor was starting to beckon….Carla got out his map and said we had nearly got halfway, there was about another 9 miles to go, but we could trim it slightly…..some nameless bright spark asked if there was a quick way back to East Mean, Carla said he was not aware of one.....then the gods took on human form and Scampi chirped up “I know one” with which he set off followed by the whole mutinous crew…. Carla followed for a hundred yards then pulled over…. We all carried on behind our new skipper!

The road trip back was about 4 – 5 miles, we stopped a couple of times to leave markers at junctions (straight out of ‘Scouting for Boys’) and tried calling Carla as we had soon lost sight of him…there was now reply…back at the cars we tried him again and got the ansaphone….heyho it was now officially ‘Mellor-time’ being at least 9.00 pm.

Eventually we got Carla on the phone to be told he would be back shortly as he had ‘Gone off exploring’ – obviously some deep uncharted part of the MV….by 9.45 and two Mellors in most of the crew departed as Carla arrived, YT and Chappers remained to ‘face the music’ – there wasn’t any – it was not that kind of pub.

In absentia Carla we managed to consume possible the worst snacks ever with indescribable dips – some complete with impenetrable membranes……that also smelt vaguely reminiscent of ‘Les temps perdue’!!

Anyway Chappers was vetoed MoTR (Cap’n Bligh – null points)

3rd July 2007 BBQ night from Cutters Barn at Pauncefoot Hill

26th June 2007 The Rising Cashpoint

It has been a while since YT sharpened the old quill, so please bear with me, hopefully the severe case of writer’s block has now passed?

With Carla having wimped out of the mega Andover mudfest challenge it was with great joy that we all heard of Harry jumping into the breach and offering to show his newly scoped Swanwick shore route.

A slightly under-inflated crew met in the RVP outside the Rising CP with The Duke and Gomez both refusing to park their wagons on the bay reserved for ‘Ice Cream Van’, even though the Duke looked like he had already tucked away a fair few ‘99’s earlier in the day and Gomez’s ring tone resembled the opening bars of ‘just one cornetto’!

With 12 riders present including the rarely seen Hoff (resplendent with the old operation Desert Storm camel toe); the singing Nunn and even Turbo…..Harry screeched into view on the Girder and off we went. A section of loose shingle cunning hidden under rotting seaweed soon had our back ends twitching as we left the shore line and headed for Millionaire’s Row and a section in the wooded wonders of Swanwick that some might have thought had not been scoped for quite some time. Still the single track soon sorted out the men from the Granddads and like the ‘Lost boys’ Scampi and Großvater were eventually reunited with the advance party after a couple of laps of the lake. Turbo had a nasty front wheel skid onto a bridge but with his superior technical knowledge made the incident look like a pre-planned high speed dis-mount – what a guy……unlike the unco-ordinated entanglement of Scampi (aka ‘The Dog Whisperer) and bike at a slightly later ‘board-walk’ melee. This latter incident taking place within a specified English Nature Reserve – much to the disdain of the numerous well-camouflaged photographers that must have been extremely well concealed as this week none were spotted!!

Off again through the highways and byways of Warsash and again the not so Big Yank was left behind and resorted to telecommunications before rejoining the fold, after crossing the ‘wobbly bridge’ (ohh soooo scary) and frequent use of the Granny before Harry informed the crew of a ‘tasty little drop off’ just round the corner. Willing lambs to the slaughter were the usual culprits (Cinders; Duke [not on his own steed]; Maria [aka the singing Nunn] and a very eager Top Deck) at the agreed DOP (drop off point) HMQC was not where he thought he was and the whole mission went off like a damp squib with guys and bikes circling through the undergrowth like so many headless chickens.

Anyway following the re group and as Skinny’s legs were starting to so the signs of a mis-spent week end chasing the Dragon; we hit the foreshore track and eventually the shingle itself and a much appreciated viewing of a Coast Guard Sukcokski helicopter that was undertaking a ‘beach retrieval’ exercise, despite the harsh downdraft of the rotors the only bit of flotsam not blown from the pebbles was still left astride his knackered Giant!!

On the final drag for home HMQC took us to ‘the killing ground’ where three levels of DOP’s would, as it stated in the DOP manual, “sort the wheat from the chaff” – and it certainly did – with much sphincter twitching HMQC; Cinders & Maria all took from Papa Bear’s bowl; Skinny; Carla; YT; Scampi; Turbo; The Duke and eventually Gomez dipped into Mama Bear’s offering and Großvater and the Hoff went hungry…..

With the scent of Miss Rimmington firmly in Harry’s nostrils the dash for Warsash was in full flow and all were soon ensconced (by ‘all’ please note that The Hoff went straight home from the car park – rumour has it he stopped up the road and changed back into his ‘work clothes’ [red swimmers and a small yellow flotation buoy] before heading back to the Dragon’s Den for his end of day de-briefing and a well earned slice of Blackberry pie….

With the onset of a good evening’s craic, ale was consumed, chips scoffed and much chat had about the price of treacle – Scampi went home with the honours and Harry left for a bit of foreshore dogging as he and his chocolate pup drifted into the sunset…..

19th June 2007 Hogs Lodge Clanfield

Summer ride? Nein Danke! Simon was in uncommonly vituperative mood and it was Spite in the Sh*te all the way as the heavens opened pre-ride.

Thunderbolts and Lightening! Very very Frightening me! But even more so for Da "Rain Man" Fuhrer, who hid with Bertie in the Bangbus and was extremely reluctant to ride, until Badger pointed out that he'd flown in from the Channel Isles and nothing was going to rain on his parade.

Occasional visitor from the Dark Side, St Pat(ron) Saint of the Unstable changed shut in the boot of his Range Rover, not the last time he was seen struggling on his back.

The 8 strong throng, including Matron (wearing Thong) , were then led off by Harry's Bikebitch and Corn(Ilias), VD struggling without SPD shoes (left by the range at home - lovely and toasty when I returned mind!) and having opted for the Chris Brasher hiking boots over Hush Puppies.

Into QE Park and the improperly shod one was finding it difficult to negotiate the slippy climbs of the Orange route and, half way round, the Leader of the (boy) Band lost 2 of his backing singers, Bertie being the other lost sheep. The Piddling Pair were later retrieved by the Greek Sheepdog, when the breakaway party became 3, but couldn't find Payter, who had again set off from the appointed rendezvous with a reduced flock.

Twenty minutes later came a chance reunion, when the lost sheep were alerted to the presence of the pack by the sound of St Pat taking another tumble. Reunited, he then managed another fall whilst stationary - and not even on his bike!

Down to Buriton and across the streams feeding the Pond, Silias mending a pinch puncture along the way, we headed east, taking a detour down a flight of concrete steps ( Big respect to Matron and Badger for riding both the steps and the earlier steep and muddy dropoff ) and then up the Cart Track to the SDW, moving fallen lumber as we went. Big respect this time to Harry's Bikebitch who managed to take one clean up the Milky Way, a fine effort in these ridiculously lubricated conditions.

The SDW having been reached, although the sun was now out, another Ilias puncture (He was a man of constant sorrow) saw the Soggy Bottom Boys decide to head back to the QE and tackle the final Orange Route descent, the QE Irregulars falling for the off camber trap 3/4 of the way down.

Votes for Prat in Boots and Pussy in Boots got VD close to the prize, but Payter took the MOTR laurels to go with his RM credit.

PS The Friday Surrey ride cancelled, Steptoe went for a solo ride around QE, dislocated his shoulder, put it back in, carried on riding and pronounced himself fit for a ride on Sunday. No sense, no feeling!

12th June 2007 Wilton

He's not been seen much of late, no doubt international jetsetting whilst building his brand, but this ride was all about CK. Unusually, he had left the Jack Wolfskin bumbag behind, no doubt clearing the decks for his very own CKNY kit, fully expected to be on show next time out. And he can expect a loyal following, with epiphets from the post-ride debrief including "Our Saviour".

8 started out but Route Meister Rob (favourite rapper Fiddy Cent) thought that 4 would be a reasonable number to bring home. Having avoided the schoolboy errors of past Wilton rides - pointing as we swept through the correct track to the barbed wire fence in the distance where we all got hung out to dry one freezing November night 2 years ago, when we got lost, cut to ribbons and had a 6 puncture fest - and taken the right right turn out of Groveley Woods, it was all going swimmingly until he, me, Bertie and DF took the big ring way down a nice long hedgelined bridleway. Stopped to admire a barn owl moving silently along the hedgerow, it slowly became apparent that Nurse, CK, Grandad and Gomez had been sidetracked. By the time we established contact they were too far off for retrieval and were left to their own devices. Cometh the hour, cometh the Kid! In a MOTR winning performance CK led the lost sheep back to The Sheepdog Greyhound, where they were on their first pint by the time the rest returned, having barnstormed our way back through Groveley Woods at top speed.

Bertie got a mention and should comfortably win an end of year award if there is a category for the slowest mending of a puncture.

5th June 2007 Fighting Cocks Godshill

29th May 2007 Lymington

A meet on the road in central Lymington meant that Bertie's Bangbus was much in demand as a changing room.

11 rode, including Helmutt from the Far East, Son of DD and Son of DD's mate on a shiny new bike, and baseball fan Turbo James - under starter's orders for the second time in a row, resplendent as ever in his Red Sox.

And we were off, pounding the road from coast to coast under the direction of Dave "Yorkie" Simpson (BR&T as the song goes). In fact we pounded 10 miles west into the setting sun and against the wind, before turning round and racing 10 miles back. Along the way DD found time to pick an argument with a Peke fancier who thought the coastal path was too dangerous for bikes, which interrupted her dog having a crap. DD thought it was better suited for riding than a doggy toilet and both parties agreed to differ.

The Pod was out and put on a damn good show - his efforts somewhat sabotaged by DD changing the route whenever The Pod, Jonny S and mate were 1/4 mile ahead and leading the way. He finished a beaten man. Had he turned up for the drink and stewards inquiry the general consensus was that he might have been in serious contention for MOTR, but a spiteful DF, amongst others, cast their vote elsewhere.

Helmutt had a fairly bleep free run but, having lent his steed (and drugs(impregnated saddle)) to YT, he was out of sorts, whilst I rode like a God on a Chariot of Fire!

Chappers had a puncture, but otherwise a fairly uneventful 20 miles, with Jim securing MOTR. Prize to Chappers if he can spot the hoary old 1970s rock reference.

22nd May 2007 Selbourne Arms

15th May 2007 Watership Down - Cleats, Bleeps, Seeps and Drug Cheats

Sad to say, the overwhelming goodwill and bonhomie generated by Hellmutt's return from the dead has dissipated faster than a disgraced Canadian sprinter.

Wet underfoot after days of rain, nevertheless the sun shone and Matronmeister set a goodly pace as we trampled all over Bunny Central, over a cheeky path, up Ladle Hill, down the Down and swung back southwest, covering 18 sometimes rather sketchy miles in the process.

Wildlife was plentiful, with sightings including deer, bats, buzzards, lapwings and a prodigious, a plenitude, a plethora, a profusion, a plenteous, a prevalent, a populous - yea a veritable Gorman of Hares.

I digress.

Whilst Nursey and Skinny led from the front, Pace and VD brought up the rear, completely confounded by Nick "Helmutt" Berry's ability to blow us away and press the front runners all the way, bleeping occasionally from his heart monitor - until it dawned on us that while we were "running on empty", H was running on plenty - blockers, thinners, steroids and no doubt sorted for e's and whiz as well. When he had left the pub afterward, a unanimous vote supported a 2 points deduction for being on performance enhancers, cancelling out his MOTR and 1 of his 2 slime seepages.

On a final note - if Pace tries to convince you to try his cheesy nuts.....don't

8th May 2007 Butterfly Farm

1st May 2007 Meon Delta

Big turn out, exceptional ride, bit rutty, excellent down hills, Badger’s first ever puncture, not St Pat’s first ever fall….

Welcome to Dan, Swathling Man, substantially fitter than his proposer….Gomez the Granny Lover...Welcome back to Hellmutt (aka Lazarus) good job it wasn’t a 20 miler with loads of hills – sh*t it was….! And to Phil, the dynamic duo returns.

Mikeanical Bertie strikes again, St Carla administers (never saw that one coming!)

The Duke wins MoTR on a straight vote, bit selfish really as everyone wanted it to go to Helmutt…….

24 April 2007 Alice Lisle Rockford LOST AND FOUND

Whilst the 11 were never really lost (Northern Hemisphere, UK, North of the A31 as confidently asserted by DF, acting RM) there were occasions when we weren't entirely "found" either.

It started right from the off, DF maintaining an honourable tradition of choosing a pub that was not really a pub at all, formerly the Alice Lisle, now Le Pub Manque aka Work in Progress Inn, a Fullers refurbishment project. There was some initial concern that those like the Duke who are like homing pigeons in the latter stages of any ride might find the lack of hoppy aroma rather debilitating.

After Marran's boy racer style late arrival and Bertie's mending of another puncture we were off and heading at a respectable rate southeast until we ended up on the hard shoulder of the A31, turned north again vaguely High-Cornerwards and stopped for a Bertie puncture. Scampi and the Duke were all for a quick road hop to Le Pub Perdu at this point but they were outvoted, DF having promised some proper singletrack and bouncy action. Off toward Fritham, past Holly Hatch, DF then decided the promised singletrack was too distant and there would no trip to Wallop that night. On through Sloden and Hasley Enclosures - all at a good pace but devoid of incident - before a cross country hack (200 yards of unrideable - scorer please note) found us back on the Frogham Freeway and it was every man for himself. After a quick re-group at Frogham, the fast and furious road slog back to Rockford ensued, the breakaway comprising Hal AL (not a lot of meat on him these days!) Sir Skinny and 2 heavyweights - YT and Marran Utang, the latter making a game effort but going soft on the back (to match his head) and ultimately uncompetitive.

Gaining an unfair advantage by going missing when most of my turns on point were due and with the turning to the pub happily coinciding with me being on point, a car overtaking and an unannounced and dangerous braking manoevre on my part throwing Al off the scent, I contrived to win the sprint.

Having decided that a pub WITH beer would be useful, we repaired to the Red Shoot, a pub with 8 ales, all sampled by Duke and all bar one pronounced p*ss poor. YT got so excited by the Scampi/Al slapcock showdown that I had a wet spillage over the table.

20.4 miles 32.6 mph topspeed 12.7 mph average 11 riders Beaver gay off Bertie flat Duke and Marran semi flaccid.

17th April 2007

10th April 2007

3rd April 2007 Godshill

Just six hardy soles turned out at the F****ing Cocks, including Bertie (early!!); Granddad (late cos his roof rack collapsed!!!); Nursey (without beard - what a young man he looks); Chappers (on time and ready to ride; Gomez (with legs on upside down) and YT....

As we set off in daylight the hope was to get most of the way around without the need for extraneous illumination, a quick road downhill followed by a sharp uphill saw our first stretch of off-road - a short level track before back on road to the hill top above Redlynch. A fast rutted downhill track and we swept into Lover (famed village Post Office very popular for mailing cards from in mid February)...

Onwards on the rear trail behind Hamptworth House and how nice it was that almost the entire route was dry, even the uphill slope back up to the Fordingbridge Road. Over the road and a fast sprint for about three miles over the track to Frogham.

Then as dusk was finally settling and only a mile or two from the F****ing Cocks, the lamps were lit and we tackled the final cross country stage before the ascent to Godshill and....the PUB!!

Possibly an uneventful ride but all in all reasonably enjoyable 15 miles at a good pace, definitely not Meonesque....

27th March 2007 Soberton Menomud Valley -Mud Missing in Meon Valley!!!

A police inquiry was launched today following the shock revelation on Tuesday night that all the mud has been stolen from the Meon Valley. Police enquiries are centred around a Mr C Walker, a known mudophile. There is speculation that he is hiding it in a disused Volvo abandoned close to his home. A police spokesman said “We know he’s a wrong ‘un and this time we got him banged a’ rights!” A defence fund has been set up to protect the rights of the Meon Valley to be totally unrideable, and all those who wish to support should forward cheques made payable to the Volvo Engine Rebuild Fund and forwarded to St Pat, who is rumoured shortly to become the proud owner of the mobile shed!

The Statistics Ride distance - 19 miles Rideable distance - 18.9 miles Average speed - 11.6 mph Maximum speed achieved on tarmac - 24.7mph Maximum speed achieved off-road - 29.4 mph

The Ride An excellent demonstration of The Duke’s able leading skills, Phil knows a rideable track when he sees one, but unfortunately his performance was limited by the use of colloquial Northern English, which wholly confused the posse. Notable examples were: left was right; down was up; and three miles home actually turned out to be six.

Gomez was awarded MoTR for an extremely gay off, having not sufficiently practised the ancient art of unclipping before stopping…… We understand that B&Q are shortly to sponsor a SPD course for him to attend before he does himself a serious mischief.

Having not lost a derailleur for weeks, Scampi came very close when a log became trapped in his back wheel. Fortunately, Matt was going so slowly that we were able to warn him and he was able to brake, dismount and remove the offending twig before a full revolution of the back wheel occurred.

On the run home, Beaver was weasled by a badger, which was disappointing as we thought he was made of stoater stuff…..!!

Some bike-swapping reminiscent of a 1970s Chandlers Ford evening out saw both VD and The Duke testing Granddad’s Kona King, currently available at the bargain price of £1,500. Now that I have ridden the unforgiving rigid bedstead on which The Duke regularly attends, he can now be forgiven for his regular bursts of miserableness and refusal to go as far as New Milton, as clearly most of his vital organs have been shaken loose.

Having passed what was unquestionably the most attractive jogger ever witnessed on a Tuesday evening, there was a strong sentiment to ride from Soberton every week; but following some further discussion it was agreed that next Tuesday’s ride would be from the Fighting Cocks at Godshill, with a 6.30 start and Da Fuhrer to RM. Après participants, such as Turbo Jim (who turned up only for the drink yesterday evening and even then insisted on driving rather than walking from the car park to the pub) will be equally welcome. Be there – or be as far down the league table as Warwick-Smith and Simpson!

20th March 2007 Filly Setley

come closer and see
see into the trees
find the girl
while you can
come closer and see
see into the dark
just follow your eyes
just follow your eyes

i hear her voice
calling my name
the sound is deep
in the dark
i hear her voice
and start to run
into the trees
into the trees

into the trees

suddenly i stop
but i know it's too late
i'm lost in a forest
all alone
the girl was never there
it's always the same
i'm running towards nothing
again and again and again

It went something like that in any event.

Carla managed to get lost in record time, less than 2 minutes into the ride. Unfortunately the ride was ruined for everyone else when (s)he was found again half an hour later, having asked a passer by in Brockenhurst if he knew where Gomez lived. Answered surprisingly in the affirmative, Carla then fetched up at 0001 Cemetry Ridge via the watersplash (not sure I'd like to live next door to a permanent wet spillage!) , where Morticia pointed him down to the cellar, the boy Pugsley having confirmed that they were "not in the garage".

Anyway, we should begin at the beguine, where the freezing cold windy car park was the complete anthesis of a night of tropical splendour (even the palms seemed to be swaying) and saw Scampi with no trousers, Chappers with no lights, the Duke with no proper front wheel and many with no sense. After waiting the regulation 20 minutes, we eventually rode off when DF remembered that Bertie was not "fashionably late" but not coming.

16 miles and 2 trips up and down the railway line later we returned without falls or mechanicals to the Filly, where pink shirted Beaver flirted outrageously with the "Nice Boy" behind the bar and was rewarded with a Takeaway - 3 bags of the best pig scabs tasted in living memory. He seemed quite cut up when Beaver left early cutting him dead "let the love that was once a fire remain an ember, let it sleep like the dead desire I only remember". Cruel but magnificent.

Back to the Pig scabs, they were so good Grandad made a point of wrapping one up for his dog.

Scampi beat Carla and Gomez to MOTR and in the excitement DF forgot to hold the promised Stewards Enquiry as to who had split the Duke's rim - whoever it was must be frighteningly hard, even with a bag over his head!

PS: HMQC has proposed to make his significant other Mrs Monk. When asked if he went "down on one knee" he retorted: "No mate, but she did". What girl could resist such charm - straight out of Lympstone Finishing School.

13th March 2007 'Nam

With a number of ‘regulars’ out for various weak excuses: Bertie – working in Kent and too far to get back for Tuesday evenings; DD – working on this year’s Minstead Village Pantomime (DD now standing for ‘Dangerous Dame’!!); St Pat – “What mountain biking?”; Badger ‘?’; etc, etc, so it was unsurprising that there were only 7 riders in the Coach & Horses car park, well six actually until Gomez turned up having got most of the way there before realising that his battery was at home!! (I think Delboy had a name for such a person…..)

Anyway , somewhat later than anticipated and with Granddad hot foot back from Guernsey (allegedly obviously closer to ‘Nam than Kent), the Magnificent Seven saddled up and rode off into the sunset….in most epic films this scene would have represented the end of the story, unfortunately not so on this occasion, so of the attendees would have gladly paid money to have called a halt there and then if only they knew what was to follow………

Knowing of Grandad’s aversion to wet and muddy rides and coupling that with the fact that the forest is well known for its’ substantial network of gravel trax, we all thought we were in for a short, fast and clean ride – WRONG!!

The first few miles were true to expectation, a bit of tarmac, some nicely compacted gravel, and then Granddad seemed to be influenced by the Meon mist and took us into the Forest and a nasty quagmire behind Ashurst Lodge, his comment was “Last time we rode through here it was all rideable”, yes Allan it was – last bl**dy June!!

This was just what Skinny wanted being out on his new shiny steed (yet another recruit to the Specialized sub-club), still in for a penny in for a pound (of mud) and we were off across a very damp common and up into Denny Wood. Things picked up at this point as we hit the tarmac again and then on lovely gravel all the way to Brockenhurst, then round the back of New Park to Lyndhurst and then via Minstead back to Bartley and finally – The Pub….yes it was a long ride – 23 miles!!

Two fallers, the Duke and Skinny; Gomez took MoTR (why YT cannot now remember) and DD graced us with his presence for a drink…

6th March 2007 Willow Winchester

27th February 2007 The Mixed Grill Challenge

A massive turn-out for the Mixed Grill Challenge (13) even saw the return of the Hof, although sadly still dressed for the summer.

Following recent criticised exploits into the deep and sticky mud of the Meon Valley, Da Fuhrer set out to show that the Forest can do better; and much of the ride found the group reminiscing the comparably desert-like conditions in the East. The less sticky (but wetter) mud of the New Forest, however, was kinder to the bikes, with no mechanical mishaps; and another night free of punctures enabled good progress to be made back to the main event at The Compass.

A notable instance (viewed through mud-spattered glasses) on the ride included a brand new bridge-dismounting technique by The Duke. On arriving at the wooden footbridge with planks laid longitudinally across the gap, most of the riders warned those behind that the planks were slippery; but fortunately sufficient gaps had been left between the planks to avoid any build-up of mud. The Duke, however, adopted an alterative technique to avoid slipping on the planks, and rode instead into the gap between two planks, resulting in a rapid halt and an exit over the handlebars, including a double-pike-somersault-and-tuck. The bike meanwhile remained upright, wedged in the gap between the planks, but creating a hazard for those behind.

Further mud and gloop followed, until Decision Time at the top of the hill at Nomansland. The options here were: the reasonable and sensible road ride home; or alternatively the mad downhill, previously introduced to us by none other than Jonny Simpson, fearless at fifteen.

Dangerous Dad encouraged all those with suspension bikes to take the off-road route, and the group was split at this stage between those upon whom the pull of the pub was strong and those who had had their brains shaken loose by previous such exploits. Demonstrating the eminent ease of rideability of the off-road downhill route, Dangerous Dad managed four falls inside 300 yards. Meanwhile, the MENSA section set off in a race down the road, which saw the lead group of The Duke, Skinny and YT form a breakaway pack at the start of the hilly section. Some serious effort being required, Skinny had to rely on his fat reserves; and was consequently dropped after 60 yards, whilst the big boys cruised to the pub in a style reminiscent of their previous arrival together in Saint-Cergue.

The serious business of the evening was then undertaken, with the mixed grill living up to its usual reputation; with even Scampi beaten to a submission. Nine of the team did the assorted farm animals justice, whilst four cornflake-eating wimps/vegetarians opted for some pasta and salad. The traditional slapcock decided Man of the Ride which, as ever, went to Da Fuhrer - DD not being up the challenge, having wimped out on the meat.

PS Wozza is currently claiming 1,170 metres on the DD game (see www.tredz.co.uk/game/ ) – surely someone can beat this?! I have tried hitting DD with a baseball bat, but can’t achieve more than 2.3 metres. He's currently away visiting a doctors' surgery!

20th February 2007 Posh 'otel in Poxford

It all started to go wrong when we were informed that the proposed meeting venue was effectively like a Beirut no-go area rife with tyre-slashing child terrorists……things then took a decided turn for the worse……It seems that no matter how many times we collectively agree that the Meon Valley’s mountain-biking season does not officially start until well after Easter, some how we manage to let Carla persuade the more gullible amongst us that it is a haven of well drained tracks – pah! Please can everyone note for the record that the MV is out of bounds until mid-summer.

Despite the above rantings YT lays none of the blame for last night’s mud-fest at the feet of our very able RM (none other than Dave ‘Muddy Fox’ Richardson) but all of it at the feet of the rapscallion who briefed him on the type of winter riding we like to do – yes it was that VD chap again.

Still 11 of us braved the event which started innocently enough with a tarmac uphill section followed by an interesting track (aka footpath) through the middle of a hedge alongside the Corhampton golf course, thereafter mud, mud, mud with the occasional bit of mud thrown in for good measure, there were not falls apart form some gay-off by Gomez still having teething troubles with his SPDs. There were some interminable road climbs (but no-one complained about those) and then the final push back was along the mis-named ‘Railway Line’ – perhaps ‘Mud Canal’ would have provided a more accurate nomenclature?

And whilst battling against the clinging glutinous mud of said canal it was Nursey who suffered terminal rear derailleur failure and ended up jumping the last mile back to base. As Granddad so concisely put it “That’s three rear derailleur broken in the last three rides that weren’t Forest rides”.

As someone once said “you can’t learn a good lesson enough times” and as another said “you can’t make an omelette without breaking the eggs” and a third said “bollocks let’s go to the pub” – so we took the advice of the third raconteur…..a few bevies later and the Muddy Fox was awarded the ‘in locum fezis’ and an almost unanimous vote was taken for a Forest ride next week

13th Feb 2007 Trusty @ Midstead

Apologies for late missive. ...DD leading 10 out we quickly found we were 9 only and stopped in the pouring rain for HMQC who had put his wheel on the wrong way round, upside down, etc. Proof if any more were needed that family bliss rots the central nervous system.

Gomez brought out his new Stumpy to get dirty for the first time since bought in autumn.DD cleaned his new bike in the river crossing. Carla followed but the mud on his is so caked on that it came out little cleaner.Chappers had a gay off. Gomez won the fez - not least for actually not getting the pub closed early on this particular visit.

General consensus that, although the ride had the requisite water allowance, more mud was needed and the vote was for the Mean Vallee the following.........
PS Could the Leader with Tourettes stop voting for C*** face - no-one has any idea who he might mean. Be more explicit

6th Feb 2007 Cuckoo at Hamptworth

Despite the freezing weather and western location, Tuesday night saw a turnout of 12 or 13 (we were never quite sure as Carl was counting and gets into trouble with numbers above 10). This included welcoming to the fold two new riders,whom we hope to see as future regular attendees, John Triathlon Sibley who made the whole evening look exceedingly easy, and Richie from Elliot's, steering the PPPC sign in France, who has never yet made anything look easy.

Richie was aboard a mountain bike for the very first time, other than some practice at Centre Parcs, but despite this managed to stay vertical for most of the evening, whilst admiring displays of some rather gay offs by some of our more experienced riders.

The ride was being lead by Chappers who scoped most of the ride at the weekend with VD. VD's contribution to the ride route was very evident when we reached the path that turned into a river, which involved traversing the muddy bank, grappling through the trees with bike, but fortunately Chappers had only let VD contribute 100 yards of route to another wise excellent 15miler.

Sadly as is often the way with good rides things began to deteriorate at the end when we registered two PPCC firsts. The first of these involved arriving at the base of a farm track to discover the pathway blocked by three gates with half a herd of cows between each gated pen. Rob looking rather crest fallen at this stage (we expected him to go off on a Oates style "I'm going to look for a way I may be some time" moment similar to that previously experienced on his Wilton ride) was ably assisted by VD clearly fully acquainted with country ways and adopting a suitably rural accent was eventually able to extract a farmer from the milking shed. Mr Farmer was very accommodating, allowing us to pass through the cows, who obligingly moooved out of the way as we opened the gates and then progressed. The last barrier in this event was a small metal chain which the farmer kindly offered to remove,whilst Carla insisted we duck under and was lucky to be informed that it was electrified seconds before he grabbed the chain to lift it. A further deterioration in the route saw the loss of Bertie, sadly Rob interpreted my cry of "One more" as "no more" at a hidden turn leading to a number of obstacles including stiles and a stiled bridge crossing before arriving in somebody's back garden. From here in a style reminiscent of our annual winter jaunt across Broadlands, we passed through the side gate of the house and then cycled along their driveway, before arriving back at the road. Fortunately the owners kindly left their lights on to accommodate us in this manoeuvre but luckily did not appear to be at home! Bertie was eventually recovered by telephone.

That post ride entertainment was the usual beer and cheer with a good quality red wine and some apparently tasty home brew served by a young lady with toothache who was clearly expecting a much quieter Tuesday night. Post-ride discussions included the idea of entering both the Epilepsy Challenge and the Wessex Heart Beat challenge in September / October on consecutive weekends. Please let Dah Furher know if you are interested in either or both events. A split vote on whether we should return east or remain in the dry west saw a marginal win for the New Forest, over a proposal to go to the Bakers Arms somewhere beyond the iron curtain. Being swayed by the pleadings of the eastern block has resulted in the delay in this missive, but in view of the wet and snowy weather in the interim and based on a executive decision (at Dah Furher's), (and even VD the mudmeister phoned in a wet report on sat) next weeks ride, will be from the Trusty Servant at Minstead and lead by Dangerous Dave.

The following week is pencilled in as Bakers Arms but will be subject to weather review.

The normal 6.30 pedal off is proposed and we understand that the pub has changed hand so that they are unlikely to lock the doors before we get back. Be there or be warm and cosy in doors.

30th January Hedge End & Horse & Jockey

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!....9 riders (one late); 4 Fallers (two dramatic); 1 mechanical (fatal); 1 RM (never trust him again); 1 MoTR (see previous comment for RM!!)

It all sounded too good to be true….a gentle jaunt from Hedge End Station…even before setting off Carla had had a blow out (in his Vulva) and rang to say that the Really Nice Man from the AA was due to sort him out, unfortunately the really nice man did!

A welcome return for the Beaver and the Woz, the latter astride this Epi Fanny; the former his trust steed, but with rumblings of a new purchase in the offing?

Bertie, having disappeared to check the start of the ride, returned to the car park and led our merry band off into what ever comes after a sunset…a brief encounter with a friendly dog (certainly got Wozza’s interest) saw us lose our erstwhile RM for a few minutes before he came back and found his flock. We all regrouped on the road verge in time to witness one of the gayest offs ever as Bertrand slipped into the SPD’s put down the power and turned his handlebars to the left, completely oblivious to the 6” kerb upstand and immediately fell heavily into the road – OUCH!

After a brief check that the new bouncy steed was unscathed we set off at a wicked pace into Botley and thence down to the Horse and Jockey where a belated Carla joined the throng….with a full compliment the RM pointed us towards the River track with vague promises of a dry and ‘totally rideable’ route………….

YT and Daktari acting as tail gunners were right to be sceptical of the RM’s certainty as despite the initial fimness of terrain under tyre, the angle of slope and the narrowness of the trail made many wish that DD was amongst our number as there would have been many hilarious incidents. As it was even without Mr Extreme much fun was had some at the expense of a full over the bars routine by a fresh beaver; and similar manoeuvres by Chappers and Nursey….

After the river route we headed into some well fly-tipped woods where the twin axles of many a rusty Transit had been before us and well mulched was the wet mud (also strewn with semi-submerged half bricks) even so it was not the remnants of the Berlin Wall that was the catalyst of the saddest incident of the ride but an innocent twig of about 20mm circumference!

This small piece of treen managed to single out our stalwart RM and get entwined in his rear mech just as he had gone for full power, the resultant crunch managed to fairly wrench the rear derailleur in such a way as to totally snap the metal in two. I think it fair to say that after a similar incident only a few weeks before having inflicted itself on our dear friend that the fickle finger of fate was indeed a cruel mistress! (please excuse the mixed metaphors)

In search of some proper exercise Skinny and Daktari offered to ride back to base and return with the RM’s bicycle ambulance whilst the rest of us commiserated with a tearful Bertie….after a short stint of pushing Wozza attacked the Stumpy with a chain splitter and soon had a slick single speed rigged up and ready for the World Hamster Wheel Spinning Championships. With Bertie as test pilot and Skinny not answering his mobile the residue of the Corps headed off on the shortest route back. A short distance from Botley and with Skinny still incommunicado, the abbreviated entourage was verbally abused by some yob in a dark coloured saloon…..it later became apparent by a process of elimination that said abuser was none other than the infamous Harold Monk QC!!

Many millions of pedal revolutions later and Bertie made it back to the Railway Station and from there back to probably the wa*kiest pub in Hampshire to have a well earned snifter and to get Carla re-united with his motor. During the imbibing period Bertie managed to score a full house of commitment accomplishments and ‘null points’ into the bargain…..

23rd January 2007 Royal Oak Fritham

* * - VELODRAMA PRESENTS - * *

* * - A PPCC EXTRAVAGANZA - * *

* * - THE FROZEN FRITHAM FROLIC - * *

****** Starring ********
Da Fuhrer (Birthday Boy) Routemeister - Martel as The Leader
Scampi (Beast from the East) as The Last Man
Co-starringPhil (Lion of Flounders) Pace as The Vulture
Tonestar (Nursey) Langridge as The Hillclimber
Granddad (Mud Hating Hilder) as The Old Man
Mike (New Bike) Gustar as The Last to be Ready

Special guest appearance Harry (Legal Eagle) Monk QC as The Missing Soldier
Narration Non-Stop Talking (Skinny) Steve

Sadly, much like Celebrity Big Brother, this extravagant production was missing much of the promised cast, most notably

The Duke “Hard Man from the North” (too cold)
The Man in Black (missing in action, presumably delivering Milk Tray. Fortunately, Chappers’ absence was made up for by legal representation by Harry Monk, interestingly also dressed entirely in black: must be a solicitor thing.)
Dangerous Dave “Committee” Simpson
Martin “New Bike, No Resolve” Gorman
Johnny “Also With Allegedly New Bike” Bell
Carla “The Pieman” (away enjoying Watford pie – doesn’t cost much but goes down easily)
Both Jims (not seen since Christmas lunch)
St Pat “Sickie” Warwick-Smith

The delayed start (usual suspects) followed by an excellent lead-off by Da Fuhrer, assured of Man of the Ride, each and every time he acts as RM. An excellent selection of tracks and some roads dispelled any rumour that the Forest was flat and ensured that the intrepid few were kept warm - good effort! - in a looping cross-country, arriving back at the big hill at Nomansland.

A lack of punctures and mechanicals enabled steady progress and continued warmth as the ground froze beneath us in a further loop back towards Fritham. Within a mile of the finish, still relatively clean and warm, a short discussion on the best way home (either round the lake or down the road) was countermanded by Da Fuhrer who, it appeared, decided we should ride through the lake, and Meon Valley-style mud ensued.

Fortunately, much of the bog and paddy fields through which we passed were beginning to freeze, enabling them to remain relatively rideable, but resulting in bikes and kit requiring de-Sommeing for next week.

Following Christmas excesses, the mileage seemed like about twenty to me, but no doubt will feature in the schedule as some much smaller number. Despite this, the net result would see Senior Walker plummet from second place in the league table to eighth, but at least he did witness his beloved Watford’s second win in 22 for this season.

Excellent après-ride hospitality included copious Guinness to fend off the cold, and Harry consuming some very dodgy-looking polystyrene-based pork scratchings. The bar cleared quickly when Harry donned his SAS style balaclava and we were mostly home by 10.00pm.

During the evening, a lively discussion on next week’s venue determined that the Meon Valley was still out of bounds until the drought season, but that a venture east as far as Hedge End Station might be achievable.

16th January 2007 FKA Butterfly Farm

And to think that only 7 days previously YT had been topping up the tan in Cape Town….

At least the brown mucky stuff whipping up off the tyres made up for the effects of the sun’s rays? (not) With Gomez having cried off leading Granddad stepped into the breach in RMing the ‘recovery ride’ after the previous weeks debacle, YT did get a call last Wednesday morning from an anonymous rider who shall purely be known as the ‘guy with an office in Twyford’…..anyway he ran through all the details of the Milbury’s ride and at the very end said “now guess who the RM was?”…it took but a nano-second!

Still, back to this week and the first double figure turnout of the Year a solid ten riders, would have been eleven if Scampi had remembered to (a) take his bike with him; and (b) to charge up his lights! (b) was a bit of a piss-poor excuse as Mini turned up unilluminated and went all the way round the 15 miles in the dark!

Anyway Granddad led us through the enclosures from the place formerly known as ‘The Butterfly Farm’ and up to the back of the Happy Cheese, from there a road side single track to meet up with the gravel tracks to Woodlands. DD seemed a tad upset by a somewhat erratic braking manoeuvre by Mini causing DD to lock up his F1 style ceramic brakes on the new steed….still no real damage done and perhaps DD will now leave a sensible distance from the rider in front?

From Woodlands along Fletchwood Lane and thence into the urban guerrilla training ground that is the back of Totton. A swift traverse of the A35 at Spicers Hill and a gratifying shout from a passing driver of “Get off and Milk it” – answers on a post card please as to when that line had last been funny?

Across the footie pitch and down to Eling Wharf, then road all the way home via Marchwood , over the A326 and up Arters Lawn back to base. Fairly much an uneventful ride but a good stretch of the legs…......In the pub the craic was subdued by the number of other imbibers awaiting the start of the pub quiz hosted by some frightfully well and softly spoken gent, with a quick vote on MoTR seeing Mini the eager recipient we all then departed dreaming of warm sunny evening rides…….

9th January 2007 Milburys Beauworth

Mud FC 3 PPCC 0

Mud FC

1 Se*men
2 Demerit
3 Pearce
4 Doudou
5 Shittu
6 Caca
7 Flood
8 Rivers
9 Dyer
10 Dyer
11 Bent

PPCC

1 Walker
2 Bury
3 Chapman
4 Langridge
5 Samuel-Camps
6 Skinner
7 Pace
8 Gustar
9 Monk QC (too late to play)
10 Simpson (too late to play)
11 Hilder (too late to play)

Team PPCC were ready for kick-off in calm clear conditions, although only 8 showed up in time for the start of the match and PPCC were forced to face the Home team with no recognised strikers, particularly daunting when Mud FC were coming into their own after the mid season break. The referee turned up too late to scope the pitch, having been otherwise engaged in Essex at the weekend, but proceeded to deem the surface playable notwithstanding strong representation from the Duke who noted days of incessant rain prior to the fixture.

PPCC set out their stall to play the South Downs Way and from the off the team were finding it hard to stay upright. The action moved to the right flank, where Flood and Rivers made an early impression on the Visitors. Chapman lost vision and made his way back to the dressing room alone, the floodlights having failed.

Walker led from the front and the next 15 minutes saw the team achieve some equilibrium despite reduced numbers, until an attack on the Cheriton End saw chaos ensue. Some very heavy tackling indeed from Caca, Shittu and Doudou saw the game slow to a crawl and the field's earlier fixture hosting Ipswich (The Tractor Boys) did not help. The worst seemed to be over as PPCC advanced and we were then playing down the slope but the team fell apart as the opposition felled 2 of our finest - Pace by Pearce in an incisive moment that left PPCC's No 7 completely deflated, Gustar by Bent - taken from behind and leaving him utterly derailed and unable to go on.

The spirit weakened by these losses, PPCC made as quick as possible a retreat up the slope to defend the Milbury's End, finished as an attacking force. In a creditable display of deep defending the 5 man rump saw out the remainder of the match without conceding further.At the final whistle VD swapped shirts with their No 2, whilst the rest of our boys thought their Nos 9 and 10 had had most of the play.

No bearers being available (day off for the St John's Ambulance?), Skinner took Berties' Big White Stretcher out onto the pitch to recover Pace and Gustar who had been left upfield where they fell.

Back in the warm changing rooms Rob had emerged from the early bath, joined by the three who had failed to turn up in time, and Skittles ensued to cheer the spirits, Mean Valley utterly triumphing over the Forest Folk team.

There was no appetite for the usual Post Match interviews/debriefing and no award was made for Man of the Match.

2nd January 2007 Plough Sparsholt

A reasonably high speed chase by 7 through Sparsholt College, over a human bridleway or two to Crawley (left at Gatwick), on toward Chilbolton/Leckford, over Stockbridge Down (unrideable by any definition), through Up Somborne with a cultural diversion to admire All Saints Little Somborne before a welcome return to the pub. At least that's where now Flight Controller Matron (he's come a long way since the days of Nursing Orderly Second Class) said he took us.

Nursey won MOTR